Features of a 7-Star Hotel

For the next few weeks, Jack Sh*t is chronicling his adventures on his recent trip to Italy as well as including tips to help you plan your own international travel. It is his special way of saying "Nanna nanna boo boo, I went to Italy!" to all his loyal readers.

 So, my wife and I are on a tour bus in Milan, and the guide is pointing out attractions on our way to view “The Last Supper.”

One of the attractions she points out is … I kid you not… a seven-star hotel.

I can’t even concentrate on the other attractions that the lady is jabbering about because my mind is racing on what the features of a 7-star hotel must be…

• Every time you enter hotel lobby, they release 100 snow-white doves

• Hot and cold running art

• Walk-in mini-bar

• 1,000,000-thread-count sheets

• Mirror in bathroom makes you look 20 pounds lighter

• Instead of bidet, bathroom features trained chimpanzee who wipes your behind with moistened cashmere towelette

• Complimentary helicopter shuttle to airport

• Beautiful Asian lady stops by your room nightly to floss your teeth

• Chinchilla towels

• Wireless internet pre-set to block Jack Sh*t blogs

• Continent breakfast

• Button that makes entire floor rotate until you get view you like

• Closet filled with live chickens in case you feel like a fresh egg or some fried chicken

• Turn-down service includes Morgan Freeman stopping by to read you bedtime story of your choosing

• TV features HBO and CineMax