You'll Thank Me Later

• I slip an Odor-Eater insole inside your sub sandwich
  
  
• Every time you’re at a drive-thru window, I text you calorie counts of everything you order
  
  
• Every time you buy something out of a vending machine, I run over your foot while scooting along on a Segway
  
  
• Every time you eat a cookie, I snip the tail off a puppy
  
  
• Every time you drink too much, I make a donation in your name to an organization that goes around and slaps homeless people
  
  
• I fix your TV so that every time you eat in front of it, all it will show is old reruns of “Matlock”
  
  
• Whenever you order dessert at a restaurant, I pour itching powder in your underwear drawer
  
  
• Whenever you skip a workout, I “sext” your daughter
   
• When you stay up late goofing off on computer instead of getting a good night’s sleep, I send you a virus that changes your screensaver into a snapshot from my last colonoscopy
  
  
• Every time you salt your food without tasting it first, I hack your Facebook account and send friend requests to 100 prison inmates
  
  
• Whenever you eat a candy bar, I clean my ears with your toothbrush
  
  
• For every soda you drink, I sign you up for a magazine subscription and check “Bill Me Later”
  
  
• Every time you stop by a Starbucks, I’ll arrange it that you drastically overpay for a cup of coffee