Run, Jack, Run

I am a runner at heart.

I run from my problems, run from responsibilities, run from household chores, run from the IRS, run from people whom I owe money, run from telemarketers… it seems I spend half my life on the run.

Maybe that’s why I embraced this whole C25K ("Couch to 5K") business. The weather was turning Springy and the thought of squirreling myself away in the gym had lost its appeal. I want to be outside, and that means either yardwork (my wife Anita’s suggestion) or C25K.

Faulkner said “between grief and nothing, I will take grief.” Jack Sh*t said “between yardwork and running, I will take running.”

So if you’re just beginning your running program, I’m here to give you the benefit of my 20 minutes of experience with C25K…

• Invest in a heavy-duty bra (that goes for you ladies, too).

• While not entirely necessary, nothing looks cooler than a Superman cape while you’re running.

• If you can’t afford good running shoes, it’s okay to simply wrap your bare feet with duct tape.

• If you’re looking to increase your speed, it helps to have a mean dog chase you.

• If you’re going to have a heart attack while running, try to do it where there’s a neighbor out raking leaves so that he or she can call 911 quickly.

• It helps if you’re as light as possible when you run so before you start, send me all the cash out of your wallet.

• If a little old lady passes you, you will feel the urge to run up and trip her from behind. Try to fight off this urge long enough to look around and check for witnesses.

• Pretend you’re in the movie Groundhog Day and repeat Day One over and over and over until you really feel like you’ve got it or you fall in love with a supermodel.

• Don’t run if it’s rainy, or looks like rain, or if there’s a chance of rain, or if it’s too sunny, too cloudy or too plain-looking.

• Always put one foot in front of the other; never put one foot in front of the same foot!

Enjoy your C25K experience and remember my motto: “It’s not how you start, or how you finish… it’s more about the middle part” (okay, I’m no better at motto-making than I am at running).