The Health and Fitness Year in Review

January
With outbreaks of Listeria from deli meats, hot dogs, unpasteurized dairy, raw fruits and veggies, paralytic shellfish poisoning, Vibrio Vulnificus from raw oysters, Botulism from canned foods, E. coli from fresh produce, raw juice, milk and ground beef, Salmonella from raw meat, processed foods, fresh produce, poultry and eggs, Campylobacter from undercooked poultry, Hepatitis A from improper food handling, Ciguatera Poisoning from fish, Scombrotoxin from fresh tuna, C. Perfringens from meat, stew and gravy, Staph from sandwiches, salads and pastries, everyone agrees to quit eating everything.

February
The FDA urges the corn industry to stop using the term “corn sugar” in an effort to differentiate the effects of high fructose corn syrup from sugar. The corn industry agrees to change the name to “corncaine.”

March
Scientists declare that Vitamin E does nothing to help skin, mental health or weight management despite earlier claims to the contrary. Later in the day, scientists declare that Vitamin D is a super-supplement reported to help skin, mental health and weight management.

April
Folks around the world embrace The Paleo Diet, a program heavy on meat and vegetables and free of grains, in conjunction with a focus on lifting heavy rocks and sprinting away from sabre-toothed tigers.

May
New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s initiative to ban people from using food stamps to purchase soda is struck down by the USDA. This development doesn’t bode well for the mayor’s other health initiatives, which include forcing kids to eat oatmeal every morning, outlawing chocolate-covered raisins,  making all cabbies stop at least once per hour to do 200 sit-ups and giving vegetables the right to vote.

June
According to an American Cancer Society study, men and women who sit for more than six hours a day are as good as dead.

July
President Bill Clinton celebrates his heart healthy vegan diet with a double bacon cheeseburger with extra cheese and a side of bacon.

August
Race-day spectators watch in awe as Amber Miller crosses the finish line at the Chicago Marathon and proceeds to go into labor. They are even more impressed when–hours later–she gave birth to a healthy baby who immediately runs a 5K around the hospital grounds.

September
Talk show host Dr. Mehmet Oz creates a stir when his study finds that apple juice contains potentially dangerous levels of inorganic arsenic. He pressures the apple juice industry to make a change and start using organic arsenic in their products.

October
Dancing With the Stars invites Chaz Bono to be a contestant in its celebrity dance contest, which raises awareness for overweight transsexuals.

November
Earlier in the year, the USDA proposes changes to the nation’s school lunch program for the first time in 15 years. This month, Congress blocks those changes, not only declaring tomato paste on pizza a vegetable, but also proclaiming Jell-O and tater tots to be superfoods.

December
Researchers warn of potential injuries caused by those popular barefoot running shoes, which contain little if any padding and lack the support and cushioning many runners need. Also, say scientists, they look kinda dorky.