1. When you’re at a restaurant, ask your waiter for a new fork between each bite.
2. To reduce your sodium intake, replace the salt in your salt shaker with poison.
3. Strap two scales to your feet so that you can always tell at a glance how much you weigh.
4. Order “crustless” pizza.
5. When preparing mashed potatoes, substitute skim milk for the regular milk and skim potatoes for the regular potatoes.
6. Making your own kettlebell is really pretty simple; just take an ordinary shotput and weld an iron “C” to it.
7. At the grocery store, take the wheels off your shopping cart.
8. To help increase your speed, jog through a really bad part of town.
9. Instead of a “small” coffee, order a “kiddie”-sized one.
10. Adopt a funny mouse who runs up and steals your cheese every time you try to eat some.
11. Ask your waitress to leave the candy off your salad.
12. Walk down the driveway to get the mail instead of taking the car.
13. Movie theater popcorn is to healthy snacks as nuclear Armageddon is to __________.
14. Take the stairs. No wait… force open the elevator doors and shimmy up the cable.
15. Use chop stix to eat soup.
16. Vigorous sex can burn up to 350 calories per hour (but please… I can only help three or four people per day…)
17. Chew your food at least twice before swallowing.
18. Instead of candy bars, try eating lettuce bars.
19. When you steal somebody’s drink at Starbuck’s, try to make sure it’s one of the low-fat ones.
20. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day; Second Breakfast is not.
21. When you weigh in, try to let your soul slip out of your body momentarily; no one’s sure exactly how much your soul weighs, but it’s gotta weigh something. Am I right or am I right?
22. The optimum number of chicken wings to eat in one sitting is… wait, let me re-check my math… let’s see, carry the one, divide the numerator into the denominator… and there’s your answer: zero.
23. Drink a glass of water in between drinks of water.
24. Nervous fidgeting can burn quite a few calories, so start doing a really bad job at work so that you’re constantly worried about getting canned.
25. If you catch on fire, just “drop and roll” instead of “stop, drop and roll”; it burns a few more calories.
26. At “all-you-can-eat” buffet, try not eating all you can eat.
27. Broccoli is pretty tasty even without the butter sauce, cheese sauce or caramel sauce.
28. Remember, never shoplift while you’re hungry.
29. One slice of cake has a pretty high number of calories, but they never say how big the slice can be. You’ve got ‘em on a technicality, baby!
30. If you walk to the end of the treadmill, you’ll find a pot of gold.
31. Some gyms will let you work out for free if you have an invisibility cloak.
32. Substitute 100 Island dressing for 1000 Island dressing.
33. Have someone shock you every time you try to eat pie.
34. A fun way to burn a lot of calories is to see how fast you can clean my house.
35. If you’re working at a chocolate factory and the conveyor belt starts speeding up, for God’s sake, just notify your supervisor. We’ve been having trouble with that conveyor belt for months!
36. Shopping at a Farmer’s Market is great for getting healthy, homegrown fruits and veggies, but make sure you don’t spend all your money on a new tractor, no matter how shiny and fun to drive they look.
37. Treat yourself to a “Cheat Day” once every decade.
38. If you’re trying to cut back on meat, try tofu.
39. If you’re trying to cut back on tofu, try Nofu.
40. When traveling, ask to arm wrestle the hotel concierge.
41. Eat fresh veggies when you can.
42. Eat frozen veggies when you can’t get fresh.
43. Eat canned veggies when you can’t get fresh or frozen.
44. Eat powdered veggies when you can’t get fresh, frozen or canned.
45. Eat imaginary veggies when you can’t get fresh, frozen, canned or powdered.
46. At least eight hours of sleep will help in your weight loss, so stay late at work if you have to but make sure you get that nap in!
47. Make your own “bottled water” by filling a bottle with water, dumbass.
48. It sounds too crazy to be true, but the cork that came out of the wine bottle can be used to close up the bottle; it’s not necessary to drink the entire thing.
49. Instead of just sitting on the sofa and watching hours of television, why not try doing ANYTHING else?
50. You can build your own elliptical out of parts that you can find in an elliptical box at Sears.
51. Ramp up your metabolism by willing every molecule in your body to spin faster. Spin faster, dammit!
52. Pray a little more aerobically.
53. Shower wind sprints.
54. Never eat while driving, standing or having a colonoscopy.
55. Add more fiber into your diet by eating fibery things.
56. Floss! No, it won’t necessarily help you lose weight, but my daughter Pisa is making me do it every day and I don’t see any reason why you shouldn’t have to, too.
57. An apple a day will set you back about $40 a month.
58. If you walk a mile every day, by the end of the year you’ll be in an entirely different town.
59. Instead of sugar in your coffee, how about I just stick my finger in it because I’m so freakin’ sweet?
60. You should put a mirror in every room of your house to help keep you focused on your weight-loss goals; also, did I mention that I’m a door-to-door mirror salesman?
61. A trampoline’s a good way to build up strong arm muscles (from pushing your wheelchair around after you break your fool neck)
62. Instead of drinking beer, try “light” beer.
63. Yes, “organic” food costs more, but at least you know where it’s been (unlike that “whoreganic” food!)
64. If you’re gonna drink a soda, pop a couple of Mentos in your mouth first, but wait… let me get my camera first!
65. If you put little white sticks on brussel sprouts, you can convince kids that they’re Tootsie Pops.
66. Avoid those sneaky calories that come in unexpected places, like when you eat a can of frosting right before bedtime.
67. Eat less red meat for better health. Also, less gray meat, green meat and plaid meat.
68. Download one of those apps that makes you eat healthy and exercise all the time.
69. Give your personal trainer added incentive to work you out extra hard by informing him that you keyed up his car on the way in.
70. Whenever you order French fries, ask for them not to be “French-fried”.
71. Nuts are a very healthy snack, but digging them out of miniature Almond Joy bars is not your most cost-effective option.
72. As nice as she may seem, the Sample Lady at the grocery store is NOT your friend. Shun her!
73. If you can’t afford fresh vegetables, one thing you can try is getting a job where you make more money.
74. Chile peppers can actually raise your metabolism, so sprinkle them liberally on your frozen yogurt.
75. Swim laps in the bathtub.
76. Every day, put aside a penny to go towards something that will help you reach your healthy living goals; after a year, you’ll have… what? Is that it? Geez… that wasn’t even worth the effort!
77. Go to the restaurant you like the least and order the dish you hate the most.
78. Watching a movie helps exercise go by faster, so jog laps around the parking lot at drive-in.
79. Hourly enemas.
80. Use only “extra-virgin” olive oil, not “mostly-slutty” peanut oil.
81. Sure, leaving the cherry off the banana split saves you approximately 10 calories, but it totally ruins the aesthetics of it. You gotta pick and choose your battles, man.
82. If my grandmother offers you some of her homemade banana pudding, run like hell because she’s been dead for over 20 years.
83. Always use low-fat laundry detergent.
84. Remember the old saying, “Beans, beans. Good for your heart. The more you eat ‘em, the less your risk for heart disease.”
85. I’m not saying spinach has “magical” qualities, but did you ever see Popeye at the gym?
86. Whenever you’re making homemade fudge, quit licking your fingers every five seconds. That’s so gross!
87. If you’re tracking calories, don’t forgot those BLN’s (bites, licks and nibbles) or those SAJOPB’s (snarfed a jar of peanut butter).
88. This doesn’t really have anything to do with anything, but how come you never see “Fried Lobster” on the menu anywhere?
89. Instead of “imitation” butter, just use “imaginary” butter.
90. You can make virtually any dish more low-calorie by eating less of it.
91. You can incorporate more walking into your daily schedule by owning a poorly maintained, undependable automobile.
92. An hour of Skee-Ball will provide a great arm workout and a sh*tload of tickets.
93. You can have the ice cream or you can have the cone, but you can’t have both. I’m sorry, I don’t make the rules…
94. Mowing the grass is a very effective workout, which probably explains why the young Hispanic dude that does mine is so fit and trim.
95. You can trick your stomach into thinking it’s fuller by swallowing a balloon and then inflating it with a bicycle pump. Okay… I didn’t say it was comfortable or easy!
96. It’s a good idea not to be the kind of person who goes to a birthday party and says “Oh, I’ll just have a tiny piece of cake. No, smaller than that…” and then eating an entire cheesecake in the car on the way home.
97. Fasting is a good way to jumpstart your dieting… plus provide you access to hallucinations featuring the flying hamsters of doom.
98. Before beginning an exercise regimen, consult your physician (you’ll officially be the first person who ever followed that particular piece of advice).
99. If you ever wake up from a dream where you ate a giant marshmallow and you wake up and your pillow is gone, don’t ASSUME that you ate the pillow. Go to the pantry and check your bag of giant marshmallows.
100. If you remember only ONE thing from this list, make it this: oh crap, I’ve put too much pressure on myself now and can’t come up with a really good piece of advice…
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