You'll Thank Me Later

• Every time you drink a regular soda, I "sext" your daughter.

• You eat a donut, I pour a cup of cat urine on your bed.

• Whenever you blow off going to the gym, I send you a video of me flossing my teeth.

• For every four hours of TV you watch, I donate a dollar to the charity you hate the most.

• While you're in that Mexican restaurant scarfing down chips and salsa and margaritas, I'll be filling your iPod with Rush Limbaugh podcasts.

• Every time you skip breakfast, I leave a voicemail with me talking baby talk for five minutes.

• Whenever you eat a candy bar, I  shave a swastika on your pet's side.

• While you're playing games on the computer, I sprinkle chia pet seeds in your underwear drawer.

• Whenever you pull into the drive-thru lane of a fast-food restaurant, I yodel a medley of cowboy songs from the backseat.

• Every time you take a step backwards on your healthy living quest, I write another "You'll Thank Me Later..." post.