Cooking with Jack: M-A-N-G-O, and Salsa Is It's Name-O

Welcome to another installment of the internet's least popular culinary show, "Cooking with Jack." As Julia Child once noted, "Got more time for misbehavin’….since I started microwaving…!!" Keeping that spirit in mind (and deciding it was too hot to turn on the oven), I've decided to share a quick and easy salsa recipe.

Take a mango. Did you know that mangoes are members of the Anachardiaceae family? You did? Then you're a bigger nerd than I thought. Well then, I guess you know that they're also distant relatives of the cashew, pistachio, Jamaica plum and (no kidding) poison ivy/poison oak. Ayyyyy! I got some on me!

 

This recipe is so freakin' quick and easy that I'm going to waste some time teaching you the coolest trick you can do with a mango. I'm serious! Cut each side as close to the core as possible, so that you have two big slices.

Now take your knife and slice a grid all the way to (but not through) the outer skin.

If it doesn't look like this, go back to the beginning of this post (do NOT collect $200!) and start over.

Apply gentle pressure from the back of the mango skin, and get ready...

...FOR ME TO BLOW YOUR FREAKIN' MIND!

Amaze your kids! Impress your guests! Get off to a really bad start at a job interview! 

Okay, enough fun and games. It's salsa time! Cut the mango up and put it in your own fiery salsa bowl.

 

Now take a cucumber. Hey, that reminds me of a joke: What's green and has wheels? A cucumber with wheels. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Okay, peel, seed and cut up the cucumber, being careful not to cut yourself from laughing so hard you shake.

You say "to-may-to", I say "luscious piece of summer deliciousity"...

Choppity, chop, chop.

(singing) It's beginning to look a lot like Salsa-mas.

Add a dash of lime and the juice from one salt container...

Si, El Diablo... I almost forgot to add the japaleño pepper. (Note: ever since I went to the Fair a dozen or so years ago and heard a vendor hawking "Fresh cornbread with jap-aleno peppers, " I've been calling them "japalenos". It's just more fun to say!

You can add cilantro if you (a) have cilantro and (b) don't hate cilantro.

SALSA'S READY! COME AND GET IT!

Next on "Cooking with Jack": 

What do you do with leftover mouse?