INT. DINING SALOON
RUTH
Tell us of the food in steerage, Mr. Sh*t. I hear it’s quite good on this ship.
JACK
The best I've seen, m'am. Hardly any rats.
CAL
Mr. Sh*t is joining us from seventh class. He was of some assistance to my fiancee last night.
JACK
I just showed her the proper way to do pelvic thrusts.
CAL
Anyway, This is foie gras, Jack. It's…
JACK
Goose liver, I know. But did you know that foie gras is surprisingly low in bad fats and high in good fats?
GUGGENHEIM
CAL
Mr. Sh*t is joining us from seventh class. He was of some assistance to my fiancee last night.
JACK
I just showed her the proper way to do pelvic thrusts.
CAL
Anyway, This is foie gras, Jack. It's…
JACK
Goose liver, I know. But did you know that foie gras is surprisingly low in bad fats and high in good fats?
GUGGENHEIM
(low to Madame Aubert)
What is Hockly hoping to prove, bringing this... blog-hemian... up here?
WAITER
(to Jack)
Would you care for some caviar, sir?
JACK
That’s a tough one… caviar’s really high in cholesterol and sodium, but on the other hand, it’s a rich source of vitamins A and D, as well as omega-3 fatty acids which some researchers say can aid in deterring depression.
RUTH
And where exactly do you live, Mr. Sh*t?
JACK
Well, right now my address is the RMS Fatanic. After that, I'm thinking about stowing away on the Good Ship Lollipop.
RUTH
You find that sort of rootless existence appealing, do you?
JACK
Well... I’m all about staying active, and seeing the world is a great way to do it. Plus, these big ships have really nice fitness facilities. I just hate that they serve 12 meals a day… and that midnight chocolate fountain dessert buffet is a killer! Literally and figuratively! But I’ve learned a hard lesson in this life: to make every calorie count.
MOLLY
Well said, Jack.
COLONEL GRACIE
Here, here.
ROSE
To making every calorie count.
RUTH
How is it you have the means to travel, Mr. Sh*t?
JACK
I have a very popular health and dieting blog.
GRACIE
How much does that make?
JACK
A whole lot, unless you mean actual cash money.
What is Hockly hoping to prove, bringing this... blog-hemian... up here?
WAITER
(to Jack)
Would you care for some caviar, sir?
JACK
That’s a tough one… caviar’s really high in cholesterol and sodium, but on the other hand, it’s a rich source of vitamins A and D, as well as omega-3 fatty acids which some researchers say can aid in deterring depression.
RUTH
And where exactly do you live, Mr. Sh*t?
JACK
Well, right now my address is the RMS Fatanic. After that, I'm thinking about stowing away on the Good Ship Lollipop.
RUTH
You find that sort of rootless existence appealing, do you?
JACK
Well... I’m all about staying active, and seeing the world is a great way to do it. Plus, these big ships have really nice fitness facilities. I just hate that they serve 12 meals a day… and that midnight chocolate fountain dessert buffet is a killer! Literally and figuratively! But I’ve learned a hard lesson in this life: to make every calorie count.
MOLLY
Well said, Jack.
COLONEL GRACIE
Here, here.
ROSE
To making every calorie count.
RUTH
How is it you have the means to travel, Mr. Sh*t?
JACK
I have a very popular health and dieting blog.
GRACIE
How much does that make?
JACK
A whole lot, unless you mean actual cash money.
ROSE
Mr. Andrews, what are you doing? I see you everywhere writing in this little book.
ANDREWS
Tracking calories. Our young friend Jack showed me how. See… one scoop of goose liver, 250 calories. It’s really quite informative.
ISMAY
It’s gotten to be Thomas’ obsession. He even made me thin out the walls of the hull to make room for that silly lap pool he wanted installed.
ANDREWS
I have to give Mr. Sh*t the credit for that idea.
COLONEL GRACIE
Well, join me for a brandy, gentlemen?
ROSE
Now they retreat into a cloud of smoke and congratulate each other on being masters of the universe.
COLONEL GRACIE
Joining us, Sh*t? Or are you going to lecture us on how unhealthy brandy is?
JACK
Actually, consuming 30 milliters of brandy per day reportedly has a similar antioxidant effect as a regular dose of vitamin C. But I’m going to get in a late-night workout. I might even do a little swimming once my supper settles…
ROSE
Well, Jack. Thank you for sharing all that useful info on eating healthy and exercise. Is that what your blog is all about?
JACK
No, that’s just the tip of the ice…
Now they retreat into a cloud of smoke and congratulate each other on being masters of the universe.
COLONEL GRACIE
Joining us, Sh*t? Or are you going to lecture us on how unhealthy brandy is?
JACK
Actually, consuming 30 milliters of brandy per day reportedly has a similar antioxidant effect as a regular dose of vitamin C. But I’m going to get in a late-night workout. I might even do a little swimming once my supper settles…
ROSE
Well, Jack. Thank you for sharing all that useful info on eating healthy and exercise. Is that what your blog is all about?
JACK
No, that’s just the tip of the ice…
BLAAAAAM - CRRUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNCCCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHH
…what the Hell was that?
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