American Diet

A long, long time ago,
I can still remember
How my obesity made me cry.
And I knew if I had my chance,
That I could fit into my pants.
And maybe I’d be a happy weight-loss guy.

But February gave me cravings,
So much I chewed on the pet’s wood shavings.
Bad news on the damn scale,
I couldn't take that ham smell.

I didn’t know how I’d survive,
But I knew I needed extra drive.
I knew my health I must revive,
The day I came alive

So bye-bye, Mr. Fatass-ed Guy.
Leave those binges on the fringes,
Give healthy eating a try.
End them bad old days of eatin’ ham, swiss and rye.
I’m sayin’ this’ll be the day that I diet.
This’ll be the day that I diet.

Did you read the book of Beck,
And do you suffer from a turkey neck?
Does the mirror tell you so?
Do you believe you’ll reach your goal?
Can this journey save your mortal soul?
And can you learn how to eat real slow?

Well, I know that you're in love with ham,
But it’s time for you to give a damn.
It’s time to lace up your shoes.
Man, I dig it when people lose!

I was a lonely overweight writin’ dude,
With a bad obsession with unhealthy food.
If I didn’t change, I was surely screwed.
The day I came alive.

I started singin’
Bye-bye, Mr. Fatass-ed Guy.
Leave those binges on the fringes.
Give healthy eating a try.
End them bad old days of eatin’ ham, swiss and rye.
I’m sayin’ this’ll be the day that I diet.
This’ll be the day that I diet.

Now for ten months I've been losin’ weight,
And tryin’ to get all of my sh*t straight
But that's not how it used to be
When I spent all my free time on the couch,
Working on my beer-belly pouch
And turning into a first-class grouch.

Oh, and then as I was about to drown,
I managed to turn it all around.
The tide had finally turned.
New lessons I had learned.
And now I’ve started to get fit,
And if you think that I’ll ever quit
Then I’m afraid you don’t know Jack Sh*t.
Now that I’ve come alive.

I started singin’…
Bye-bye, Mr. Fatass-ed Guy.
Leave those binges on the fringes.
Give healthy eating a try.
End them bad old days of eatin’ ham, swiss and rye.
I’m sayin’ this’ll be the day that I diet.
This’ll be the day that I diet.

Hocus pocus, now my life’s in focus,
I’ve quit eating like I’m a locust.
Ninety pounds down and falling fast.
I may fall and bust my ass,
But I’m gonna keep tryin’ to lose my mass.
I won’t keep failing like in the past.

Now I’m watchin’ exactly what I eat,
While working out like an athlete.
Each day I get up to sweat.
Do I bust my ass? You bet!
‘Cause when I get in a workout mode,
I feel my energy explode.
Time to get this show on the road.
The day I came alive.

Let’s all start singin’…
Bye-bye, Mr. Fatass-ed Guy.
Leave those binges on the fringes.
Give healthy eating a try.
End them bad old days of eatin’ ham, swiss and rye.
I’m sayin’ this’ll be the day that I diet.
This’ll be the day that I diet.

Oh, so here we are all in one place,
Runners in an endless race
With no time left to start again.
So come on, Jack be crazy, Jack be crude,
Jack Sh*t is a wacky weight-loss dude,
But he knows what you’re going through, my friend.

So let’s start and get this thing in gear,
And we can drop some pounds in here.
No angel born in Hell,
Could be meaner than our scale.
And as we keep having great success
In our efforts to weigh less,
We’ll take our lives out of distress.
The day we came alive.

Let’s all start singin’…
Bye-bye, Mr. Fatass-ed Guy.
Leave those binges on the fringes.
Give healthy eating a try.
End them bad old days of eatin’ ham, swiss and rye.
I’m sayin’ this’ll be the day that I diet.
This’ll be the day that I diet.

If I met the guy who wrote this song,
I’d ask him why it’s so damned long.
What were you thinking away?
He’d probably tell me “Don’t be absurd…
Songwriters get paid by the word,
But don’t worry cuz you’ve made it halfway…”

And at his desk the blogger screamed.
He’d bit off way too much, it seemed.
But still he planned to persist,
Even with carpal tunnel in both wrists.
And then he started feeling splendid,
Cuz he realized it had nearly ended.
Will he do it again? (not recommended)
The day I came alive.

Let’s all start singin’…
Bye-bye, Mr. Fatass-ed Guy.
Leave those binges on the fringes.
Give healthy eating a try.
End them bad old days of eatin’ ham, swiss and rye.
I’m sayin’ this’ll be the day that I diet.
This’ll be the day that I diet.

Let’s all start singin’…
Bye-bye, Mr. Fatass-ed Guy.
Leave those binges on the fringes.
Give healthy eating a try.
End them bad old days of eatin’ ham, swiss and rye.
I’m sayin’ this’ll be the day that I diet.
This’ll be the day that I diet.