How Do You Eat A Whale?

I
started working on this post about taking a one-bite-at-a-time attitude
to your weight loss efforts, but then I realized that the title of the
post was a bit misleading. I remembered that many of my Eskimo readers
(Hi, Nyako, Tapenga and Dadgayadoh) would take the title literally and
would be expecting whale-preparation tips. Once I get going with one of
these blog entries, I really hate to change directions, so I suppose
this post should actually be titled “How Do You Eat A Whale, Both
Literally and Figuratively?”

Well, obviously… first you need to
catch a whale. Lucky for you, I have some experience with this. I went
on a whale-watching boat trip a couple of summers ago down in Sayulita,
Mexico. Our boat came in nice and tight on several of the buggers, and I
can tell you this from first-hand experience: they’re big. I’m just
not sure that your average rod-and-reel is going to be able to handle
one of these mothers. I’m certainly no fishing expert, but I’d go with a
Shimano Spheros 18000FB with the Paladin gear-enhancement, higher line
capacity and cold-forged spools with improved drag-systems. And don’t
forget the worms!

Let’s just assume, for a minute, that you can’t catch a whale. Don’t feel too bad; I couldn’t either
(I didn’t have my fishing gear with me; what’s your excuse?). There’s a
simple solution, my friend. Just go over to Japan where they sell fresh
whale, frozen whale, canned whale, cubed whale, dried whale, pickled
whale and whale-on-a-stick. Can’t get to Japan? Geez, don’t you know how
to use MapQuest yet, stupid?

So now you’ve got yourself a nice hunk of juicy whale meat. Now what?

I
found this recipe for Whale Stew on the internet. Have you ever started
making something and you didn’t check the ingredient list to make sure
your cupboard was stocked with everything you need to make the dish?
That’s exactly what happened to me on this one. Don’t be a dumbass like
me: check and make sure that you have all the ingredients you need
before you start cooking.

Whale Stew

Ingredients:

1 (105 ton) Whale
1,896 lbs Onions
7,326 lbs Potatoes
1,908 gallons Tomato Sauce
2,276 lbs Carrots
927 lbs Celery
104 lbs Salt
76 lbs Black Pepper
52 gallons Tabasco Sauce

Directions:
Place whale in pot with tomato sauce. Cook at 300 degrees for 4 hours.
Add onions, potatoes, carrots, celery, salt, pepper and Tabasco sauce.
Simmer 36 hours. Serves 347,161 people.

Truthfully, this recipe is just “okay.” If I make it again, I’m gonna add a pinch of oregano.

Let’s
say that you’re just trying to learn more about figuratively eating a
whale, you know, like losing a whole lot of weight. Well, in that case
you should just take it “one bite at a time.” Sorry, I was going to
write a lot more about the subject, but I used up too much space for the
Eskimos (Message to Nyako, Tapenga and Dadgayadoh: “Inuktitut (goodbye)
and have an ‘ice’ weekend!”.

Next time, I’ll try to put the weight loss stuff first.