You Say Goodbye, And I Say Hello

In case you're new to these parts, I've been giving an extended trial run to the Philips DirectLife activity monitor, a handy little electronic doodad that, through a strange mix of science and sorcery, tracks your daily movement and converts in to calories burned. The DirectLife program also includes ongoing communication with your own personal coach... or at least I thought it did until I received the following email...

Dear dear Jack,



This is actually going to be a Dear Jack letter. ;-(  (aka Dear John..)



You see, I am taking on a new role within DirectLife and this means that I will no longer be your coach. This makes me sad dear Jack, however I know that I will be able to keep up to date on your progress by reading your blog - thankfully!



What does this mean for you? My colleague Erin will be your coach. She will have access to your activity data and I'll bring her up to speed on your excellent progress so far.



If you have any concerns please do let me know. We all want to ensure that you feel well taken care of and that you continue to have the support during your DirectLife program.



Jack, it has been a grand pleasure working with you! Your humor, enthusiasm, dedication and motivation is always so wonderful to work with and so often you brought a big smile to my face just when I saw that there was an email from you. Like Sleepless in Seattle.

Thank you. I sincerely hope that you have learned a thing or two about activity while working with me and that you carry these with you asyou continue with DirectLife - and beyond!

All the best in your journey to the fittest man in the US - I'm on your team and cheering you on every step of the way!



Jen

Dear DirectLife Coach Jen

I'm so sorry that all my bitching and moaning about my broken DirectLife activity monitor has apparently gotten you demoted. I hope you haven't been busted down to Junior Market Intelligence Analyst like my good friend Antonio Galván Puente, but if there's one thing you should take away from the experience, it is this: the customer is always right. When I say the activity monitor broke BEFORE I put it in the dryer, you really need to take my word for it and not make me get on the horn to Old Man Philips and complain about shoddy customer service.



But don't let my stinging words, my harsh criticism or the fact that I got you transferred from a job you love take anything away from our experience together. I hope that we can continue inspiring each other in the future, you being inspired by reading my blog and me being inspired by the fact that you're now paying a monthly subscription fee for reading my blog. It's a win-win situation!

I have a few questions about DirectLife Coach Erin before I sign off on her as my activity partner:



1) Is "DirectLife Coach Erin" really a made-up person and part of an elaborate practical joke on your part, kind of like when I signed up for DirectLife under the funny fake name "Tony Posnanski"?
2) If she is indeed a real person, what's her social security number?

3) If it is 0 degrees Fahrenheit one day and it's twice as cold the next day, how cold is it the next day?

Sleepless in Seattle? Is that the one where Tom Hanks changes into a little boy and gets stuck on a deserted island? (I've been a big Hanks fan every since his first role as Ponzi on Happy Days). I enjoyed our correspondence as well, DirectLife Coach Jen, because it made me more closely examine my activity aspirations and my commitment to my fitness goals and, frankly, the very meaning of life as we understand it.

Good luck on your new assignment, DirectLife Coach Jen, and if you ever need anything, I'll be driving around in my car somewhere. No, wait... I'll be walking or running around somewhere (that is... IF I get my new activity monitor).



It's been a pleasure and a privilege.



Take care,

Jack

Hello Jack,



Remember me? I'm Erin, your new coach, and I just wanted to introduce myself and let you know that I'm here just as Jen was, to help you through the program and to help you become the fittest man in the US  ;o)



I see that support has gotten a new Activity Monitor sent out, and based on your recent dock this morning, I take it that you've received it? If so, welcome back! Your morning is already off to a great start with activity and I look forward for the days, weeks, and months that are yet to come! 

I'm here if you need anything, Jack, so stay in touch
 and let me know how I can help.



Have a great day!

Erin

Hey DirectLife Coach Erin,



I was saddened and shocked to see that DirectLife Coach Jen had been sacked for stealing office supplies; in hindsight, it was probably a bad idea to open an online store called "DirectLife Coach Jen's Discount Office Supplies," but live and learn...



So now it's time for you to learn a little more about me: I used to be a Gemini, but apparently there's been some shake-up at the Department of Horoscopes and I've been reassigned. I just don't know how I feel about that, DirectLife Coach Erin. I hope you haven't been affected by this astrological atrocity, but if you have, don't worry... we'll get through these dark days together. On the upside, I'm supposed to meet a handsome stranger this week, so I got that to look forward to...



As for activity, I am off to a running start, as you correctly pointed out. I've recently taken a new job as a Knife-Thrower's Assistant's Assistant. Basically, I just help the Knife-Thrower's Assistant with all of her duties and help tie her to the Spinning Wheel of Death. I also have to sharpen knives and sew sequins back onto her costume when they get knocked off. I also have to stand in for her when she's sick. Frankly, it's a lot more responsibility than I'm used to, and so far it's managed to keep me more active than some of my previous jobs.



Anyway, thanks for the note and for the offer to help me achieve my goals. You've got big shoes to fill (seriously, I think DirectLife Coach Jen wore a size 14... freaky!).

Take care,



Jack

Something Sounds Fishy About This...

I've been giving an extended trial run to the Philips DirectLife activity monitor, an amazing electronic gizmo that can be instrumental in your fitness goals so long as you don't keep putting it in the clothes dryer. The most amazing feature of the DirectLife device is that it comes complete with a lifeline to your own DirectLife personal coach who provides you with fantastic information (or computer viruses... I'm too scared to open email attachments) and encouragement as you make your way on your journey.

 
Hi Jack,

I hope that you have had wonderful new years celebrations and a fantastic time with family and friends over the holidays. I see that you were in touch with Erin and the support team over the holidays - I hope you do receive your new monitor soon and I look forward to working with you again!

Do you have any specific goals for 2011? Your weight target is now past the goal date - do you want to revisit this?

Jen
 

Dear DirectLife Coach Jen,

Let me tell you a story, the story of a little boy.

This little boy went up to his Grandpa Noah and said he really wanted some fish sticks.

“If I give you fish sticks, you’ll be happy for today,” said Grandpa Noah. “But tomorrow you’ll be hungry again.”

“So are you gonna teach me to fish, Grandpa?” I asked.

“Better than that,” the old man replied. “I’m going to buy you a fish restaurant.”

Well, the old man was true to his word and bought that little boy a Captain D’s franchise, and the boy got his fish sticks, plus he learned a valuable lesson about life and about how you can’t just give fish sticks away to all the customers and expect to turn the kind of profit that a fast-food franchise needs in order to stay in business.

The point of my story? Who the hell said my story was gonna have a point?

I guess I’m just trying to say that my goals haven’t changed, my commitment to building on what I’ve accomplished already hasn’t changed and my vow to become the most active man in the U.S. of A. sure as Hell hasn’t changed.

Stand back, DirectLife Coach Jen… because 2011 is gonna be the year the Jack Sh*t Express really gets rolling! WOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Happy New Year,

Jack












.

Zap!

Hi there Jack,

Oh, it was sad to read your blog today. Are you doing OK? You wrote that you are where you were at 12 months ago, but I really feel like this is not giving yourself enough credit. You have made leaps and bounds in personal development, and in the DirectLife program you increased your daily activity from 1428 to 1554 per day - it all adds up to help you live a healthier life.

What last week was, perhaps, just a lapse. If your intent did not change but just for a bit, you fell back to old patterns... that is a lapse.

If this is the case, please do not beat yourself up over it. Instead, look back at what caused it, how you could do it differently next time. Learn from it, and emerge more committed, capable and in charge of your life to make conscious choices to help you towards your goal. YOU can do it. I'm certain of it. And the more that you recognize that lapses like this are normal and part of the process you can begin to see them as a positive way for you to learn more about yourself to give you more tools and tricks for the future. I am happy to help you with this if you'd like.

If you feel like there was a mindset change in your past week, that is something different and we can also look at that together. Did your motivation to reach your goal change?

Let me know and I really look forward to your response,

Jen

Hi, DirectLife Coach Jen,

Have you ever caught lightning in a bottle?

It's so cool: one moment, you're standing there with a bottle and the next thing you know... ZAP... there's a bolt of lightning in there. You cap it up and it's just the damndest thing you ever saw. You can't get enough of looking at it, flashing like mad inside there. You can't believe you actually caught it. Some folks never do, after all. It's the most amazing thing...

Then something kind of peculiar happens. You see it there on your shelf, day after day, week after week, month after month, and you start taking it for granted. You forget what a rare and magic thing it was to have captured it in the first place, and then one day, you notice the cap is loose and you think to yourself "I better fix that" but you never get around to doing it...

And then one day the lightning is gone and you curse yourself a fool for being so careless with something so precious.

And you take your bottle out in the yard and you wait... and you wait... and you wait...

It's true that it's been a dry spell around here, DirectLife Coach Jen. We haven't seen rain for quite some time, but I can see the storm clouds gathering on the horizon.

I have a bottle, and I have the strength of will to stand up in a thunderstorm and accomplish the seemingly impossible.

Am I doing okay?

I'll let you know when I come in out of the rain...

Jack



x

Dear Jen

Once upon a time there was a small company called Phillips, which developed a magical little gizmo which they dubbed the DirectLife activity monitor. It does all kinds of things, including… okay, it only does one thing. But it does that one thing incredibly, fantastically, magically well: it rests in your pocket or around your neck or in your shoe and it MONITORS your ACTIVITY. Whoever heard of such a thing? The program includes magical online tracking stuff and one-on-one motivation and interaction with your very own DirectLife coach. I had a little bit of a misunderstanding with my DirectLife coach (DirectLife Coach Jen), but now it’s all good between the two of us.

Dear dear Jack,



One thing is for sure Jack, I will never have another participant like you - I completely agree! I am terribly sorry that you received the email and thought it came from me. It was an automatically generated email to give you feedback on your Plan.



I really appreciate you letting me know how you felt about receiving it as I will pass this along to the team here so that we can avoid such confusion in the future. In no way do I want you to feel that our relationship is over. In fact Jack, Plan One is just the beginning, if you'd like to continue this is of course possible. Are you interested in continuing? You can choose to keep at your current target for awhile, or keep at increasing your activity by starting a new Plan. If you are up for it, I have found that many people benefit from trying to maintain their end of week 12 target for a while to really solidify those good habits.



Can you let me know if you are willing/open/excited to continue with the program? I will remain here as your resource to help you along, support you, guide you and motivate you if needed (although you somehow seem to have this nearly bottomless supply of motivation to continually improve).



and Jack... I am very impressed with your progress throughout the Plan. How do you feel about your progress?



Jen


Dear DirectLife Coach Jen,



I should have realized that other email was just another one of DirectLife Coach José's crazy plots to mess with my head. WELL, IT WON'T WORK, DIRECTLIFE COACH JOSé! YOU CAN'T GET IN MY HEAD!



Sorry it's taken me so long to respond to your message, too. Do you answer all the emails that come to your spam folder? I'm beginning to think it's a big waste of time, but my mother taught me that if somebody is nice enough to send you a letter, you should be nice enough to write them back. The bad news is that it's a real time suck... but on the plus side, I seem to be winning quite a lot of overseas lotteries! I guess you gotta take the bad with the good...



Of course I'm continuing with my activity plan, DirectLife Coach Jen! As a matter of fact, I have some ideas on kicking things up a notch and... DON'T THINK I DON'T KNOW YOU'RE READING THIS, DIRECTLIFE COACH JOSé! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME BE? WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE TO YOU?



So... I'm happy that we can still be friends, DirectLife Coach Jen. You've taught me quite a bit about the importance of incorporating more activity into a healthy lifestyle while I feel like I've taught you a little something about everything else. See, we make one great team... NO MATTER WHAT DIRECTLIFE COACH JOSé SAYS!



Actively yours,



Jack

DirectLife Coach Jen’s follow-up email was kinda long, so I edited it a little…

Hi Jack,



You have… opened up my eyes… Your blog is…. super. … I… want… to … jump… you.

There were some more words in there, but you get the gist of it...

Dear DirectLife Coach Jen,

When I said I was going to kick things up a notch, I didn’t necessarily mean I was going to be doing more and more activity. I was laid off at the casket manufacturing plant last month and have taken a job as a notch-kicker for a small specialty firm that does a lot of work in the notch industry. The good news is that I get a lot more activity during the work day than when I was testing caskets; the bad news is that my boss Pete is always riding my ass about the poor quality of my kicking. Hey, I’m new at this!

Anyway, I had a few questions about the activity monitor that I was hoping you could clear up.

• I know that you can swim (both underwater and ummmm… over water) while wearing it, but the FAQ section doesn’t say if the gizmo can withstand fire. I do some volunteer work for my community’s fire department, so that information is very important to me. Actually, I just own a fireman’s uniform and show up at fires and run around barking orders. But it’s a lot of activity!

• Am I the only person who, when they see that they just have one more little push to get to the lightshow on the device, simply shakes it until it goes off?

• The device is awfully small and sometimes I accidentally toss it in the trash when I’m throwing away all my loose change at the end of the day. Are there any plans to make a giant version of the activity monitor so that it won’t get mixed up with keys and coins and whatnot?

• Did you hear I’m speaking at FitBloggin’ 11? Are you and DirectLife Coach José coming to cheer me on? More importantly, are you gonna talk to some corporate bigwigs at Phillips into sponsoring me?

Well, that’s all I’ve got for now. Pete’s yelling at me again to “get ta kickin’!” so I better put my foot back to the grindstone (some of our top-of-the-line notches are made of grindstone... you really should check out the catalog).

Take care,

Jack

Dear Jack

As you may or may not (or may) know, I was selected to give a trial run to the Philips DirectLife activity monitor, an amazing device that, quite frankly, makes every other activity monitor on the planet look like a dried up dog turd. Anyway, I was assigned my own personal DirectLife coach, and, well... one thing led to another. It was a wonderful few weeks, but... *sniff*... read on...

Dear DirectLife Coach Jen,

I can’t say I was completely taken by surprise when I received your recent “Dear Jack” letter saying things were over between the two of us, but I guess I was a little disappointed in the impersonal tone:


Dear Jack,

Congratulations. You have completed the DirectLife Activity Plan.

Is that all we ever were, DirectLife Coach Jen? A DirectLife Activity Plan? Do you realize how cheap that makes me feel? Do you even care?

I knew when DirectLife Coach José was rubbing it in about how close he sat to you and how shiny your hair was that it would only be a matter of time before he made his move. Damn him and his sexy accent mark and his suave Latin-lover ways.

I gave 100% during our time together, DirectLife Coach Jen. Actually, according to the link to my Results Page, I gave 101% during our time together (1554 calories per day, to be exact). You even admitted that I’m “above the healthy activity level as set by the World Health Organization”. I’ve moved mountains for you, DirectLife Coach Jen, and this is how you repay me...

And thanks for this little jab: “Yet it seems like things have slowed down lately. Now would be a good time to take that extra step. Try not to get frustrated. It takes time to make lasting lifestyle changes. You're on the right track.” If you were trying to make me cry, DirectLife Coach Jen, then mission accomplished!

I once accused you of being a robot, DirectLife Coach Jen, but now I know that's not true. A robot doesn't send this cold and cruel communication to sever a relationship (I know, because I dated a couple of robots in college...).

I’ll forever keep the little Philips DirectLife activity monitor gizmo in my pocket as a memento of our time together, our beautiful long-distance relationship. But I’ll promise you one thing, DirectLife Coach Jen: you’ll never have another person in your life like Jack Sh*t!

Sincerely,

Jack Sh*t