Showing posts with label activity monitor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label activity monitor. Show all posts

Friday, March 4, 2011

My Last Word on the Philips DirectLife Activity Monitor




 This little electronic gizmo changed the way I look at my day-to-day activity.

It’s called the Philips DirectLife activity monitor and it’s about as hard to use as a spoon. I mean, you just stick the doohickey in your pocket (or wear it around your neck) and go.

Every day, or every so often, you just dock it to your computer and it tells you how many calories’ worth of activity you’ve burned. But the device lets you know just by looking at it, through a series of lights, just how close you are to your daily goal.

It’s completely waterproof, so you can swim laps with it or carry it around in your mouth if you want to. The square shape helps keep it from sliding down your throat if (when) you swallow it.

Don’t worry… that happens all the time.

Best of all, the service comes complete with access to a trainer who will answer questions, provide helpful support and even put up with silly emails from users.

What I learned from using it:  my activity comes in large chunks. Long flat lines of coma-like stagnation, followed by an hour-long burst of super-activity, then more near-death stillness, then more explosive movement. As has been pointed out to me, that’s really not an optimum situation, but I don’t have much of a work-around for it right now.

Oh, I’m getting better at getting up and dashing around the office from time to time, parking farther away, taking the stairs (and sometimes even shimmying up elevator cable) and all that kind of business, but blogs and tweets don’t write themselves, dammit!

I averaged nearly 1,800 calories burned every day for the past few months, though it’s taken some 11 p.m. jumping jacks some days to hit my daily goal. I’m not sure I would have been quite so active without the thingamabob in my pocket, so I’d say it did what it was supposed to be doing.

One thing I didn’t think was so super-fantastic about it: it has trouble measuring the intensity of a workout. When I’m pressed for time, I work out on The Inclinator, a treadmill that goes up to a 30° incline. Thirty minutes on that bad boy leaves me a sweaty mess, but the activity monitor thinks I’ve gone on a leisurely stroll.

It also started skewing my workouts a bit. Long walks/runs on the treadmill gave me the most activity bang for my buck, and I almost didn’t purchase the elliptical I wound up getting for my house because the DirectLife dealio doesn’t think much of ellipticalizing.

Now, there is a way to fidget with the website and modify workout results. I got mad one day because a 20-mile bike ride registered about the same as strolling down the driveway to get the catalogs out of my mailbox. DirectLife Coach Jen walked me through a feature that allows you to rename and regauge activity, and it worked like a charm. But I don’t use the feature much because I’m sorely tempted to rename “sleeping” as “speed skating” in order to jack up my activity numbers.

The other downside was that I was spending all my free time trying to hit my activity numbers and started ignoring the strength-training portion of what I’m trying to do. So while I’ve been amazed and impressed with all that this little piece of plastic can do, I’m going to go my own way for a while.

I’d like to thank the fine folks at Philips DirectLife for all the love and support they’ve shown me over the past year, and for replacing my gizmo when I burned one up in the dryer and dropped one off the Empire State Building.

If you’d like to find out more about the Philips DirectLife activity monitor, check out their site right chere.

Full disclosure: I received the use of a Philips DirectLife activity monitor and its subscription service free of charge. The only payment for this review was the promise of a free hug from DirectLife Coach José should our paths ever cross. Let’s pray that day never comes…







All Bets Are Off

They say that what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas; however this happened in my neighbor Art’s garage, so I guess it’s okay to talk about.



It was the end of a prolonged session of high-stakes Texas Hold ‘Em, and there were only three players still at the table.


“I bet it all,” snarled Sasparilla Slim sullenly. “Plus, I'm throwin’ in the paper to my Chevy Tahoe.”

“I’ll call,” wheezed Witchita Willie, throwing in the deed to his Harley-Davidson as well as a solid-gold ‘Ramblin' Man’ belt buckle.”



I pushed my remaining chips into the pot and started rooting around in my pocket.

“I call,” I said gruffly, tossing my Philips DirectLife activity monitor on top of the pyramid of chips. “Let's see what you’ve got.”

“Full house,” smiled Sasparilla Slim. “Aces over eights.”



“Nice hand,” grinned Witchita Willie. “Almost as nice as this one: straight club flush!”

There was a moment of anticipation in the smoke-filled room, but then my laughter filled the garage.

“Read ‘em and weep, boys,” I chuckled. “Royal flush.”



As I was raking in my winnings, Sasparilla Slim grabbed my arm.



“That's not a royal flush, dumbass,” he snarled. “You've got a three of hearts, a queen of clubs, a seven of diamonds, a Monopoly ‘Community Chest’ card and... what’s that?”



“That's a dern Jiffy Lube coupon,” grimaced Witchita Willie.

And that’s how I lost my DirectLife activity monitor… and next month’s mortage.


Check back later this afternoon for my final, 
definitive analysis of the Philips DirectLife activity monitor.

Friday, January 21, 2011

You Say Goodbye, And I Say Hello

In case you're new to these parts, I've been giving an extended trial run to the Philips DirectLife activity monitor, a handy little electronic doodad that, through a strange mix of science and sorcery, tracks your daily movement and converts in to calories burned. The DirectLife program also includes ongoing communication with your own personal coach... or at least I thought it did until I received the following email...


Dear dear Jack,



This is actually going to be a Dear Jack letter. ;-(  (aka Dear John..)



You see, I am taking on a new role within DirectLife and this means that I will no longer be your coach. This makes me sad dear Jack, however I know that I will be able to keep up to date on your progress by reading your blog - thankfully!



What does this mean for you? My colleague Erin will be your coach. She will have access to your activity data and I'll bring her up to speed on your excellent progress so far.



If you have any concerns please do let me know. We all want to ensure that you feel well taken care of and that you continue to have the support during your DirectLife program.



Jack, it has been a grand pleasure working with you! Your humor, enthusiasm, dedication and motivation is always so wonderful to work with and so often you brought a big smile to my face just when I saw that there was an email from you. Like Sleepless in Seattle.

Thank you. I sincerely hope that you have learned a thing or two about activity while working with me and that you carry these with you asyou continue with DirectLife - and beyond!

All the best in your journey to the fittest man in the US - I'm on your team and cheering you on every step of the way!



Jen

Dear DirectLife Coach Jen

I'm so sorry that all my bitching and moaning about my broken DirectLife activity monitor has apparently gotten you demoted. I hope you haven't been busted down to Junior Market Intelligence Analyst like my good friend Antonio Galván Puente, but if there's one thing you should take away from the experience, it is this: the customer is always right. When I say the activity monitor broke BEFORE I put it in the dryer, you really need to take my word for it and not make me get on the horn to Old Man Philips and complain about shoddy customer service.



But don't let my stinging words, my harsh criticism or the fact that I got you transferred from a job you love take anything away from our experience together. I hope that we can continue inspiring each other in the future, you being inspired by reading my blog and me being inspired by the fact that you're now paying a monthly subscription fee for reading my blog. It's a win-win situation!

I have a few questions about DirectLife Coach Erin before I sign off on her as my activity partner:



1) Is "DirectLife Coach Erin" really a made-up person and part of an elaborate practical joke on your part, kind of like when I signed up for DirectLife under the funny fake name "Tony Posnanski"?
2) If she is indeed a real person, what's her social security number?

3) If it is 0 degrees Fahrenheit one day and it's twice as cold the next day, how cold is it the next day?

Sleepless in Seattle? Is that the one where Tom Hanks changes into a little boy and gets stuck on a deserted island? (I've been a big Hanks fan every since his first role as Ponzi on Happy Days). I enjoyed our correspondence as well, DirectLife Coach Jen, because it made me more closely examine my activity aspirations and my commitment to my fitness goals and, frankly, the very meaning of life as we understand it.

Good luck on your new assignment, DirectLife Coach Jen, and if you ever need anything, I'll be driving around in my car somewhere. No, wait... I'll be walking or running around somewhere (that is... IF I get my new activity monitor).



It's been a pleasure and a privilege.



Take care,

Jack

Hello Jack,



Remember me? I'm Erin, your new coach, and I just wanted to introduce myself and let you know that I'm here just as Jen was, to help you through the program and to help you become the fittest man in the US  ;o)



I see that support has gotten a new Activity Monitor sent out, and based on your recent dock this morning, I take it that you've received it? If so, welcome back! Your morning is already off to a great start with activity and I look forward for the days, weeks, and months that are yet to come! 

I'm here if you need anything, Jack, so stay in touch
 and let me know how I can help.



Have a great day!

Erin





Hey DirectLife Coach Erin,



I was saddened and shocked to see that DirectLife Coach Jen had been sacked for stealing office supplies; in hindsight, it was probably a bad idea to open an online store called "DirectLife Coach Jen's Discount Office Supplies," but live and learn...



So now it's time for you to learn a little more about me: I used to be a Gemini, but apparently there's been some shake-up at the Department of Horoscopes and I've been reassigned. I just don't know how I feel about that, DirectLife Coach Erin. I hope you haven't been affected by this astrological atrocity, but if you have, don't worry... we'll get through these dark days together. On the upside, I'm supposed to meet a handsome stranger this week, so I got that to look forward to...



As for activity, I am off to a running start, as you correctly pointed out. I've recently taken a new job as a Knife-Thrower's Assistant's Assistant. Basically, I just help the Knife-Thrower's Assistant with all of her duties and help tie her to the Spinning Wheel of Death. I also have to sharpen knives and sew sequins back onto her costume when they get knocked off. I also have to stand in for her when she's sick. Frankly, it's a lot more responsibility than I'm used to, and so far it's managed to keep me more active than some of my previous jobs.



Anyway, thanks for the note and for the offer to help me achieve my goals. You've got big shoes to fill (seriously, I think DirectLife Coach Jen wore a size 14... freaky!).

Take care,



Jack

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Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Livin' the DirectLife (Pssst... Here's Your Chance to Win)


Surely you already know this (and sorry to call you Shirley), but I've been carrying around a little Philips DirectLife activity monitor in my pocket for months. It tells me if (I mean, when) I've met my daily activity goals and it allows DirectLife Coach Jen to always know exactly where I am and what I'm doing (I'm just assuming that part). Along my journey with my little DirectLife doodad, I've made a lot of friends...

Dear Jack,

I hope this email finds you doing well. This is Antonio Galván from the DirectLife marketing department. I just wanted to check in to see how you are doing and how things with your DirectLife programs are progressing?

What are your thoughts? How do you like it so far? Don’t hesitate to let me know if I can do anything to enhance your experience as a blogger participating in the DirectLife program.
 

Active regards,
Antonio.



Well, if it isn't DirectLife Junior Market Intelligence Analyst Antonio Galván Puente. Isn't it about time you got a promotion anyway? I bet all the other Market Intelligence Analysts give you the business about that “Junior” part.

Some dude wants to send me a free Gruve montior to take on a test drive, but I don't know. I'm passionately in like with DirectLife Coach Jen, and you’ve always been a good guy, too (not like that bastard DirectLife Coach José... oh, I hate him so...). What do you think I oughta do? I mean, you know I'm partial to the Philips gizmo, but you gotta admit that “Gruve” is a better name. Why didn't you guys let me name the activity monitor anyway?

I do have one question you might be able to answer for me:  I'm in the process of changing to a new laptop (it’s a long story, but suffice it to say that bathtub blogging is no longer permitted in the Sh*t household), and my new machine doesn't recognize the activity monitor when I plug it into the USB drive. Did I get a CD when I received it or did I download it from your site? Are you interested in buying my old laptop; it still works perfectly fine (except for the occasional spark or two).

I hope you’re doing well, too, Junior Market Intelligence Analyst Antonio Galván Puente. My best wishes to you and your lovely wife Rosa and your kids Petey and Joanna (I'm totally guessing on all this family stuff, but that's really something if it turns out I'm right, huh?)

Take care,

Jack


Dear Jack,

Thanks for your answer. I have forwarded the question regarding your new laptop to our Support team and I am sure they will have the right answer.

The family guess is indeed close to reality Jack ;)


Active regards,
Antonio.


Dear DirectLife Junior Market Intelligence Analyst Antonio Galván Puente,

Twenty minutes ago, the hotshots from Philips Tech Support actually busted through my skylight, rappelled down and reloaded the DirectLife software on my new laptop (they said to send you the bill for the busted skylight).

I knew I was close on the family stuff; I've been seeing a psychiatrist for a couple of years and I think it's helping me get more and more psychic.

Thanks for your help,

Jack


Dear Jack,

This is Junior Market Intelligence Analyst, Antonio Galván, with a proposal for you.


Since we first invited you, we have followed your blog and we are very impressed with the way in which you engage your friends and followers who sure see you as an inspiration for weight loss and lifestyle.

We are happy to offer you up to three DirectLife packages for three coming competitions you have in mind. We previously did something similar with Tony and it was good to see that the reward inspired some followers to run 5K.

Please let me know if you think this is an offer interesting for you and we can organize the details.

Active regards from the DirectLife team,

Antonio.


Well, Junior Market Intelligence Analyst Antonio Galván, my first thought was that I could actually use three more activity monitors myself. I was thinking that it might quadruple my own activity level knowing that my levels were being tracked by four separate devices.

But then I started thinking about selfishness... and how my selfish family would all demand that I give them one of my precious activity monitors. What good would that do me, Junior Market Intelligence Analyst Antonio Galván?

So I had a completely different idea: what if I used up to three DirectLife packages for three coming competitions I have in mind? I like it!

Let's make this happen, Junior Market Intelligence Analyst Antonio Galván!

Take care,

Jáck

Dear Jack,

Thanks a lot for your answer. Let’s do it this way: feel free to organize any three competitions in the rest of the year and announce that the price will be a DirectLife with a four-month membership.

Then, once you know who the winner is you can send us her/his email address where we will send the invitation email for registration. The winner will receive DirectLife in her/his mailbox in no later than five business days.

Thanks again and enjoy the rest of the weekend,

Antonio.


If you made it this far, then here’s your reward…

ANNOUNCING THE FIRST OF THREE CONTESTS FOR A FREE DIRECTLIFE ACTIVITY MONITOR WITH A FOUR-MONTH MEMBERSHIP… ONE COMMENT ON TODAY’S POST WILL BE RANDOMLY CHOSEN BY DIRECTLIFE JUNIOR MARKET INTELLIGENCE ANALYST ANTONIO GALVÁN PUENTE AS THE PRIZE WINNER. PLEASE ADDRESS ALL COMMENTS TO HIM, BUT BE SURE AND PASSIONATELY DESCRIBE YOUR DESIRE FOR THIS DEVICE, BECAUSE IF THERE'S ONE THING THAT JUNIOR MARKET INTELLIGENCE ANALYST ANTONIO GALVÁN PUENTE RESPONDS TO, IT IS RAW, UNBRIDLED PASSION.

I'M SORRY, MY CAPLOCK BUTTON IS STUCK AND I DON'T KNOW HOW to... oh, there it goes... good luck and may God have mercy on your souls (I just really like the way that sounds...)

Friday, September 10, 2010

Dear Jen

Once upon a time there was a small company called Phillips, which developed a magical little gizmo which they dubbed the DirectLife activity monitor. It does all kinds of things, including… okay, it only does one thing. But it does that one thing incredibly, fantastically, magically well: it rests in your pocket or around your neck or in your shoe and it MONITORS your ACTIVITY. Whoever heard of such a thing? The program includes magical online tracking stuff and one-on-one motivation and interaction with your very own DirectLife coach. I had a little bit of a misunderstanding with my DirectLife coach (DirectLife Coach Jen), but now it’s all good between the two of us.

Dear dear Jack,



One thing is for sure Jack, I will never have another participant like you - I completely agree! I am terribly sorry that you received the email and thought it came from me. It was an automatically generated email to give you feedback on your Plan.



I really appreciate you letting me know how you felt about receiving it as I will pass this along to the team here so that we can avoid such confusion in the future. In no way do I want you to feel that our relationship is over. In fact Jack, Plan One is just the beginning, if you'd like to continue this is of course possible. Are you interested in continuing? You can choose to keep at your current target for awhile, or keep at increasing your activity by starting a new Plan. If you are up for it, I have found that many people benefit from trying to maintain their end of week 12 target for a while to really solidify those good habits.



Can you let me know if you are willing/open/excited to continue with the program? I will remain here as your resource to help you along, support you, guide you and motivate you if needed (although you somehow seem to have this nearly bottomless supply of motivation to continually improve).



and Jack... I am very impressed with your progress throughout the Plan. How do you feel about your progress?



Jen


Dear DirectLife Coach Jen,



I should have realized that other email was just another one of DirectLife Coach José's crazy plots to mess with my head. WELL, IT WON'T WORK, DIRECTLIFE COACH JOSé! YOU CAN'T GET IN MY HEAD!



Sorry it's taken me so long to respond to your message, too. Do you answer all the emails that come to your spam folder? I'm beginning to think it's a big waste of time, but my mother taught me that if somebody is nice enough to send you a letter, you should be nice enough to write them back. The bad news is that it's a real time suck... but on the plus side, I seem to be winning quite a lot of overseas lotteries! I guess you gotta take the bad with the good...



Of course I'm continuing with my activity plan, DirectLife Coach Jen! As a matter of fact, I have some ideas on kicking things up a notch and... DON'T THINK I DON'T KNOW YOU'RE READING THIS, DIRECTLIFE COACH JOSé! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME BE? WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE TO YOU?



So... I'm happy that we can still be friends, DirectLife Coach Jen. You've taught me quite a bit about the importance of incorporating more activity into a healthy lifestyle while I feel like I've taught you a little something about everything else. See, we make one great team... NO MATTER WHAT DIRECTLIFE COACH JOSé SAYS!



Actively yours,



Jack

DirectLife Coach Jen’s follow-up email was kinda long, so I edited it a little…

Hi Jack,



You have… opened up my eyes… Your blog is…. super. … I… want… to … jump… you.

There were some more words in there, but you get the gist of it...

Dear DirectLife Coach Jen,

When I said I was going to kick things up a notch, I didn’t necessarily mean I was going to be doing more and more activity. I was laid off at the casket manufacturing plant last month and have taken a job as a notch-kicker for a small specialty firm that does a lot of work in the notch industry. The good news is that I get a lot more activity during the work day than when I was testing caskets; the bad news is that my boss Pete is always riding my ass about the poor quality of my kicking. Hey, I’m new at this!

Anyway, I had a few questions about the activity monitor that I was hoping you could clear up.

• I know that you can swim (both underwater and ummmm… over water) while wearing it, but the FAQ section doesn’t say if the gizmo can withstand fire. I do some volunteer work for my community’s fire department, so that information is very important to me. Actually, I just own a fireman’s uniform and show up at fires and run around barking orders. But it’s a lot of activity!

• Am I the only person who, when they see that they just have one more little push to get to the lightshow on the device, simply shakes it until it goes off?

• The device is awfully small and sometimes I accidentally toss it in the trash when I’m throwing away all my loose change at the end of the day. Are there any plans to make a giant version of the activity monitor so that it won’t get mixed up with keys and coins and whatnot?

• Did you hear I’m speaking at FitBloggin’ 11? Are you and DirectLife Coach José coming to cheer me on? More importantly, are you gonna talk to some corporate bigwigs at Phillips into sponsoring me?

Well, that’s all I’ve got for now. Pete’s yelling at me again to “get ta kickin’!” so I better put my foot back to the grindstone (some of our top-of-the-line notches are made of grindstone... you really should check out the catalog).

Take care,

Jack

Friday, August 27, 2010

Dear Jack

As you may or may not (or may) know, I was selected to give a trial run to the Philips DirectLife activity monitor, an amazing device that, quite frankly, makes every other activity monitor on the planet look like a dried up dog turd. Anyway, I was assigned my own personal DirectLife coach, and, well... one thing led to another. It was a wonderful few weeks, but... *sniff*... read on...

Dear DirectLife Coach Jen,

I can’t say I was completely taken by surprise when I received your recent “Dear Jack” letter saying things were over between the two of us, but I guess I was a little disappointed in the impersonal tone:


Dear Jack,

Congratulations. You have completed the DirectLife Activity Plan.

Is that all we ever were, DirectLife Coach Jen? A DirectLife Activity Plan? Do you realize how cheap that makes me feel? Do you even care?

I knew when DirectLife Coach José was rubbing it in about how close he sat to you and how shiny your hair was that it would only be a matter of time before he made his move. Damn him and his sexy accent mark and his suave Latin-lover ways.

I gave 100% during our time together, DirectLife Coach Jen. Actually, according to the link to my Results Page, I gave 101% during our time together (1554 calories per day, to be exact). You even admitted that I’m “above the healthy activity level as set by the World Health Organization”. I’ve moved mountains for you, DirectLife Coach Jen, and this is how you repay me...

And thanks for this little jab: “Yet it seems like things have slowed down lately. Now would be a good time to take that extra step. Try not to get frustrated. It takes time to make lasting lifestyle changes. You're on the right track.” If you were trying to make me cry, DirectLife Coach Jen, then mission accomplished!

I once accused you of being a robot, DirectLife Coach Jen, but now I know that's not true. A robot doesn't send this cold and cruel communication to sever a relationship (I know, because I dated a couple of robots in college...).

I’ll forever keep the little Philips DirectLife activity monitor gizmo in my pocket as a memento of our time together, our beautiful long-distance relationship. But I’ll promise you one thing, DirectLife Coach Jen: you’ll never have another person in your life like Jack Sh*t!

Sincerely,

Jack Sh*t