More Fat Ass-trology for the Holidays

ARIES-LING (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
You'll realize you have a problem when you hear "Why did you eat that gingerbread house? It was just for decoration!" for the third time this holiday season.

TARTUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
You go for a walk wearing a white track suit and kids start screaming "Ayyyyyy! A snowman came to life!" 

GEMINCEMEAT (May 21 - June 20)

Good news: you'll manage to keep all of your upcoming New Year's resolutions. Bad news: only resolutions are not to eat any prunes  and not to wear any clothes made out of seal-skin.

CANCEREAL (June 21 - July 22)
You've got some explaining to do to your kids on Christmas morning when your kids find letter from Santa that reads "Who ate my damn cookies?"

LEOREO (July 23 - Aug 22)
Expect not to get invited to any more holiday parties after what is hereafter referred to as "The Deviled Egg Incident".

VIRGOOBERS (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You'll experience a major bummer when your hyration-pack-full-of-eggnog experiment fails spectacularly.

LIBROWNIES (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
Realize New year diet is off to a bad start when you read in the paper that  Dunkin Donuts is planning to open new location in your living room.

SCOOPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
After using it for three months, you realize that the app you downloaded to track your calories counts a king-sized box of Milk Duds as 10 calories.

SPAGHETTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
You realize you've hired the wrong personal trainer when he refuses to wear any pants during session.

CANDICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
Your vow to quit drinking diet cola faces a tough obstacle when you have a sudden realization:  you really like diet soda!

AQUARICEARONI (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
You'd better come up with a better excuse than "I thought it was a cookie-eating contest!" or else everyone at the cookie exchange is gonna be furious with you.

REECE’S PISCES (Feb 19 - March 20)
You will meet a handsome stranger at the train station. Did I say "handsome"? I meant "overweight". Did I say "at the train station"? I meant "in the mirror". Oh, SNAP!

Fat Ass-trology for the Holidays

ARIES-LING (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
New year's resolution looking shaky due to fact that three people have already given you membership in Ham-of-the-Month Club.

TARTUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
You'll tell the kids that the gingerbread house broke and fell on the floor and you had to throw it away, but you and I both know the truth.

GEMINCEMEAT (May 21 - June 20)
You'll call to try to make an appointment for workout session, but the personal trainer recognizes your voice, starts screaming and slams the phone down.

CANCEREAL (June 21 - July 22)
Holiday experimentation comes to an end when batista trying to make you peppermint-eggnog-gingerbread-mocha-macchiato accidentally blows up your Starbucks.

LEOREO (July 23 - Aug 22)
Department store will ask you to full in for sick Santa but change their mind when they realize suit would be too small.

VIRGOOBERS (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
Your blog will get an influx of traffic when it's named one of TIME magazine's "50 Worst Blogs on Earth".

LIBROWNIES (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
Yes, everyone at the party's going to laugh when the chair you're sitting in collapses, but keep in mind that Carl just told his really funny story about the rabbi, the Pope and President Obama.

SCOOPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
It's true that you probably shouldn't have eaten an entire fruitcake but your co-worker shouldn't have double dog dared you.

SPAGHETTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
You'll fall asleep on recliner wearing green sweater and when you wake up, realize that the kids have hung lights and ornaments all over you.

CANDICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
You'll regret your decision to try ice skating when you fall down through the ice... at the skating rink.

AQUARICEARONI (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
You'll decide it's finally time to get serious about your weight when you can't find a scarf that fits you.

REECE’S PISCES (Feb 19 - March 20)
When they see you, Christmas carolers in front of your house will quit singing "O Holy Night"  and go into rousing chorus of "I Like Big Butts".