Bad, Badder, Worstest... The Holiday Edition

Bad: You overindulged at the office Christmas party.
Badder: You woke up splayed out in the fountain at the mall.
Worstest: You’re hooked up to a vodka IV right now.

Bad: You ate all the candy out of your kids’ stocking.
Badder: You ate all the candy out of your kids’ stockings… and blamed the dog.
Worstest: You ate all the candy out of your kids’ stockings… and blamed Santa.

Bad: You’ve drunk your weight in eggnog.
Badder: You’ve thrown out all other food in your fridge so that you can keep more eggnog on hand.
Worstest: CNN does story about worldwide eggnog shortage and your name comes up repeatedly.

Bad: Pants are entirely too tight.
Badder: You’ve had to cut the necks out of all your turtleneck sweaters.
Worstest: You can’t find a shawl that fits.

Bad: You realize you haven’t done any meaningful exercise in December.
Badder: You realize you haven’t done any meaningful exercise in 2011.
Worstest: You realize that you have same muscular definition as newborn baby.

Bad: You ate 25 deviled eggs at a holiday party.
Badder: Hostess comes up to talk to you just as you’re jamming entire cheese ball in your mouth.
Worstest: You’re first to arrive at holiday party and food is all gone before second guest arrives.

Bad: You’ve succumbed to a peppermint bark addiction.
Badder: While in line at Starbucks to get Peppermint Mocha Latte, you’re plotting route on your phone to the next closest Starbucks to get another Peppermint Mocha Latte.
Worstest: Doc informs you that your blood type is “O positively peppermint”.

Bad: You’ve decided to put off your healthy living quest until the new year.
Badder: Gym is so busy in January that you’ve decided to wait until it clears out some.
Worstest: Decided that 2012 can just go to hell.

Holiday Health Tips

• Instead of a cup of eggnog, how's about a cup of eggnot?

• 

When you make holiday cookies, throw a couple of stink bugs in the batter. They won't be so tempting if you're scared you'll get a stinkbug cookie.



• To curb cravings, gnaw on a pine cone.



• To get it out of your system, go to Starbucks and order a venti Gingerbread Peppermint Mocha cinnamon eggnog latte. Whoa... That's actually pretty good!

• 

Limiting yourself to one piece of gingerbread doesn't make it okay to eat an entire gingerbread house.



• FDA does not - I repeat does NOT - recommend that you get four to six servings of fruitcake each day.



• 



Speed carol.



• At holiday parties, ask hostess to please hide all delicious food out of your sight.



• Holiday stress often leads to overeating, so consider slipping into a coma for the month of December.



• On January 1, lots of folks are going to be joining gyms and clogging up the works before they quit after 2 or 3 weeks, so my advice to you is to go ahead and join a gym now so you it won't be so crowded for the 2 or 3 weeks you use it before you quit.

• 



Jingle all the way (or at least as much of the way as you are able).

Fat Ass-trology for the Holidays

ARIES-LING (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
New year's resolution looking shaky due to fact that three people have already given you membership in Ham-of-the-Month Club.

TARTUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
You'll tell the kids that the gingerbread house broke and fell on the floor and you had to throw it away, but you and I both know the truth.

GEMINCEMEAT (May 21 - June 20)
You'll call to try to make an appointment for workout session, but the personal trainer recognizes your voice, starts screaming and slams the phone down.

CANCEREAL (June 21 - July 22)
Holiday experimentation comes to an end when batista trying to make you peppermint-eggnog-gingerbread-mocha-macchiato accidentally blows up your Starbucks.

LEOREO (July 23 - Aug 22)
Department store will ask you to full in for sick Santa but change their mind when they realize suit would be too small.

VIRGOOBERS (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
Your blog will get an influx of traffic when it's named one of TIME magazine's "50 Worst Blogs on Earth".

LIBROWNIES (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
Yes, everyone at the party's going to laugh when the chair you're sitting in collapses, but keep in mind that Carl just told his really funny story about the rabbi, the Pope and President Obama.

SCOOPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
It's true that you probably shouldn't have eaten an entire fruitcake but your co-worker shouldn't have double dog dared you.

SPAGHETTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
You'll fall asleep on recliner wearing green sweater and when you wake up, realize that the kids have hung lights and ornaments all over you.

CANDICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
You'll regret your decision to try ice skating when you fall down through the ice... at the skating rink.

AQUARICEARONI (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
You'll decide it's finally time to get serious about your weight when you can't find a scarf that fits you.

REECE’S PISCES (Feb 19 - March 20)
When they see you, Christmas carolers in front of your house will quit singing "O Holy Night"  and go into rousing chorus of "I Like Big Butts".

Bad, Badder, Worstest: Holiday Edition

BAD: You sample one of the Christmas cookies you’re baking.
BADDER: You wolf down all the cookies that don’t come out perfect.
WORSTEST: You sit in the kitchen floor and eat an entire bowl of batter.

BAD: You skip a workout to go to office holiday party.
BADDER: You skip a week of workouts to finish up your Christmas shopping.
WORSTEST: You’ve gone into hibernation.

BAD: You’ve got Advent calendar with Hershey kiss for each day in December.
BADDER: You’ve got Advent calendar with chocolate chip cookie for each day in December.
WORSTEST: You’ve got Advent calendar with cheeseball for each day in December.

BAD: You nibbled a bit too much at holiday party.
BADDER: You’ve had a few drinks and a couple plates of party food.
WORSTEST: You pulled up a chair to the buffet table.

BAD: You ate a miniature candy cane.
BADDER: You ate a regular-sized candy cane.
WORSTEST:  You ate a candy cane that’s bigger than your leg.

BAD: You’ve put off marathon training because it’s too cold.
BADDER: You’ve put off 5K training becaue it’s too cold.
WORSTEST: You’re training for a “Glee” marathon.

BAD:  Your sweaters are getting a little tight.
BADDER: You can’t button any of your jeans.
WORSTEST: You’ve got a layered look going before you get dressed.

BAD: At Starbucks, you order Gingerbread Latte with skim, but with whipped cream.
BADDER: At Starbucks, you order a regular Gingerbread Latte with whipped cream.
WORSTEST: At Starbucks, you order regular Gingerbread Latte with gingerbread house.

BAD: You popped a button.
BADDER: You ripped your pants.
WORSTEST: You broke Santa’s lap.

BAD:  You pour eggnog on your breakfast cereal.
BADDER: You ate candy from child’s stocking and blamed it on the dog.
WORSTEST: Friend points out that you’re wearing Christmas tree skirt.

BAD: You ate the chocolates that were supposed to go in the kids’ stocking.
BADDER: You ate the cinnamon buns you were saving for Christmas morning.
WORSTEST: You ate the mistletoe.

BAD: You let your gym membership expire.
BADDER: You’re using your workout DVDs as Christmas ornaments.
WORSTEST: You’ve asked Santa for an industrial-sized FryDaddy.

BAD: You had to poke a new hole in your belt.
BADDER: You wear sweatpants to Christmas Mass.
WORSTEST: You had to let out your Santa Claus costume.

BAD: You can’t stand up to watch entire holiday parade.
BADDER: Other carolers point out that your mouth is full of taffy.
WORSTEST: You go for sleigh ride and two horses keel over dead.

BAD:  You ate half a fruitcake.
BADDER: You chugged a quart of boiled custard.
WORSTEST: You ate the cookies your children left out for Santa… while they watched.