I'm a Bad Tipper

• One way to drink more water is to drink scotch-and-water and spit out the scotch.



• Replace sugar with salt and salt with sugar.

• One way to train for a 26.2 mile marathon is to get really good at running .2 miles and then, when you’re comfortable, add in the 26-mile part.

• Remember, when you “sabotage” your diet plans, you’re making a “sab” out of “tag” and “e” (don’t stop and try to figure that out… just keep moving on!).

• 

You can get into any Weight Watchers meeting by looking exactly like Jennifer Hudson.



• Never eat black cat on a weigh-in day.

• Two things that make you look trimmer are wearing dark clothing and losing weight.

• When you're at a restaurant, ask yourself one question: "What the hell am I doing at this restaurant?"

• 

Did you know that you can actually leave the banana skins on when you mix up a smoothie? Of course, you can't drink it then...



• Instead of taking the stairs, take the elevator. Wait, you didn't let me finish… take the elevator while doing 1,000 lunges!

I'm Feeling a Little (Health) Tipsy

• An easy way to remember to take a daily vitamin is to put 30 of them in your mouth at beginning of month and then just swallow one per day.

• Trade your power mower for a push version. If you already use a push mower, trade it in for a push mower that doesn’t have wheels.

• Instead of a glass of orange juice, which may be may be heat processed, watered down, sugared up and stored for a year, why not just drink an orange?

• One way to eat less pork is to raise a baby pig, letting it become your very best friend, and then take him on a field trip to a slaughterhouse.

• You can make good-for-you “Fruit Loops” by looping fresh fruit.

• In order to save calories, instead of 12 ounces of your favorite dish, try eating 11 ounces.

• Did you know that cheese dip isn’t really that unhealthy for your diet, according to a study published in Mexican Restaurant magazine?

• Got some old mushy bananas? Try going to the store and getting some new fresh bananas.

• Adopt the motto “after 8 is too late” for snacks after dinner, as well as the mottos “replace your Skittles with healthy vittles” and “losing weight won’t be so exhausting if you don’t eat that can of frosting.”

A Few More Holiday Health Tips

• When you're at a holiday party, one way to keep from overindulging in to lock yourself in the bathroom and play Angry Birds on your phone for three hours.

• Instead of eggnog, how about egg substitute-nog?

• You can make healthy "candy canes" by twirling lines of mushed beet paste around stalks of celery.

• If you're at a zombie holiday party, and you see a gelatinous mold in the shape of a brain, don't just assume it's Jell-O.

• Don't fill your coat pocket with ranch dressing even if it makes for more convenient dipping.

• You can burn a load of calories by going to the mall on Christmas Eve and doing all your holiday shopping.

• Print out my blog and carry it around with you at all times in case you find yourself requiring an inspirational lift.

Holiday Health Tips

• Instead of a cup of eggnog, how's about a cup of eggnot?

• 

When you make holiday cookies, throw a couple of stink bugs in the batter. They won't be so tempting if you're scared you'll get a stinkbug cookie.



• To curb cravings, gnaw on a pine cone.



• To get it out of your system, go to Starbucks and order a venti Gingerbread Peppermint Mocha cinnamon eggnog latte. Whoa... That's actually pretty good!

• 

Limiting yourself to one piece of gingerbread doesn't make it okay to eat an entire gingerbread house.



• FDA does not - I repeat does NOT - recommend that you get four to six servings of fruitcake each day.



• 



Speed carol.



• At holiday parties, ask hostess to please hide all delicious food out of your sight.



• Holiday stress often leads to overeating, so consider slipping into a coma for the month of December.



• On January 1, lots of folks are going to be joining gyms and clogging up the works before they quit after 2 or 3 weeks, so my advice to you is to go ahead and join a gym now so you it won't be so crowded for the 2 or 3 weeks you use it before you quit.

• 



Jingle all the way (or at least as much of the way as you are able).

Tip Tip Tooray! More Weight-Loss Tips!

• Listen to your body, except when it's saying "Hey buddy! How's about a bag of them there Cool Ranch Doritos?"

• Some gyms will let you work out for free if your friend creates a large enough diversion.

• To make yourself drink more water, remember this little saying that mother otters tell baby otters: "Be a good little otter and drink your water like you oughta." What? Yes, I know that otters aren't capable of human speech. I was just making a point about drinking more water. Geez Loiuse!

• When you salt food, use something besides salt.

• Yesterday's tomorrow is today's today. I don't see how that pertains to anything but I like to take any opportunity I can to BLOW YOUR MIND.

• Cook with extra-virgin olive oil instead of that whorish peanut oil.

• Taking up "fake smoking" lets you stretch your legs and get outside several times a day without all the health risks associated with regular smoking.

• Sitting is really detrimental to your weight-loss plans, which is why my blog is often filled with quickly scribbled weight-loss "tips". Back to the gym!

Tippity Doo-Dah... More Weight-Loss Tips!

• Don't run if you feel a pain in your knee or if somebody's on your lucky treadmill.

• One way to get more fruits and vegetables in your diet is to eat more fruits and vegetables.

• If you don't like drinking water, try doing what they do in Mexico: drinking aqua.

• Rock climbing is a great way to get more fit, but don't forget to put a trampoline on the ground beneath you for safety.

• The next time you're making pasta for dinner, try using whole wheat spaghetti sauce.

• If you can't afford a punching bag to practice your kick-boxing, just use the hot-water heater instead.

• Always go above and beyond, over and above, above and below and above and a dove.

• We runners have an old saying: "The shoe must go on." Except those stupid barefoot runners. I hope they step on a piece of glass!

Running List of Tips

• Don't worry that you might look ridiculous when you're out running; I can assure you that you DO look ridiculous.

• Don't forget to put on your shin splints before running.

• Find what motivates YOU to run; for me, it's when somebody says "I think the security guard saw you shove that down your pants."

• If you're running at night on a busy street, remember to make sure your life insurance premiums are paid up.

• If you're just getting started, start slowly, maybe just 10 minutes or so of running your mouth.

• Now that I'm running, please be aware that it is no longer "hilarious, dude" to throw empty beer cans  out the car window at joggers.

• After each run, I like to stretch my muscles and the truth about how far/fast I went.

• It's important not to get dehydrated on long runs, so consider wearing a hydration pack or carrying a bucket of water balloons.

• You can find a lot of reflective accessories at the running supply store in the "Dorkwear" department.

• They say that no matter how slow you go, you're still lapping everyone on the couch; well, I guess they haven't seen my newest invention: the Sofa-Mobile. BEEP BEEP! Look out, slowpoke. Sofa-Mobile coming through!

Holy Sh*t! More Weight-Loss Tips!

• One way to drink more water during the day is to take a lot of pills.



• Cut back on High Fructose Corn-on-the-Cob.



• One cost-effective way to get organic vegetables is to wear dark clothing and have a neighbor with a garden who goes to bed early.



• Try eating underwater.



• Cut out your mid-meal snack.



• Going on a long walk right after dinner can raise your metabolism, burn significant calories and get you out of doing dishes.



• Small changes can reap big benefits; for example, cutting two king-sized Butterfinger bars per day from you diet saves over 5,000 calories per week.



• Drinking just two glasses if wine in the evening can result in a blog post like this one...

Remember, the only
sure way to loose weight
is to eat less, exercise more
and learn to spell.

Son of Weight-Loss Tips

• One way to tell if lettuce isn't fresh is to check the color; if it's black, it's no longer fresh.



• You can make your own rowing machine with two long poles and a rowboat.



• Drink margarinemilk instead of buttermilk.



• Making low-carb "toast" is simple; just replace the slice of bread with something that's not bread.



• Like to eat when you're stressed out? Next time, try having an uncontrollable crying fit instead.



• If you're invited to a wedding, make a note when you RSVP that you'd appreciate them not serving cake because you're on a diet.



• Can't afford fresh fruit? Try dressing up like a gorilla and getting captured  by a local zoo.



• If all the others runners in the marathon are wearing leather chaps and feathers, you may have accidentally stumbled into a "Gay Pride" parade.



• Tipping your personal trainer with a counterfeit $100 bill will ensure that your next session will be extra-intensive.

Weight-Loss Tips to Help You Lose Weight!

• Most fitness centers will let you work out for free if you look and sound exactly like a famous celebrity.



• Yes, tracking calories is hard, but do you know what else is hard? Obtaining a PhD in theoretical physics! And suduko puzzles!



• One way to make yourself look thinner is to firm up all the muscles of your body.



• Do Greek yoga while eating Greek yogurt.



• Avoid prolonged exposure to the sun and candy bars.



• It’s important to have good running shoes if you’re going to jog regularly, but it’s more important to have good running feet.



• If you’re ever trapped in the middle of a maze of giant waffles, resist the urge to eat your way out of it.



• One way to make yourself drink more water is to remember the story of the Porpoise and the Hare.



• Instead of canola oil, try cooking with can’tola oil.



• Be a careful shopper; make certain you don’t grab a bag of those 1,000-calorie snacks instead of the 100-calorie ones.



• St. Clement of Alexandra said, “If you do not hope, you will not find what is beyond your hopes.” You can apply that to your weight-loss journey by changing it slightly: “If you do not eat Cheetos, you will not find that your ass suddenly won’t fit in your nice dress slacks.”

Hey Kids! Weight Loss Tips.

• It helps to think of food as "fuel", so take a huge whiff of gasoline before each meal.

• You can get a free personal training session by writing a check that bounces.

• One way to drink more water is to think like a dolphin. Squeeeee squeeeeeee.

• A 50-lb toothbrush allows for an effective arm workout as well as good dental hygiene.

• When you're at a restaurant, ask your waiter to slap you if you try to order dessert.

• Cut out your pre- and mid-weigh-in snack.

• Plan out every meal you're going to have between now and when you die.

• A glass of fresh celery juice will make you never want to put anything in your mouth ever again.

• If you eat more mindfully, then your mind will be more eaterly (okay, it's entirely possible that I've done too many weight-loss tips.

Hungry for more? Well, check out my guest post over at Operation Shrink Charlie's Big Butt.

Bottomless Weight Loss Tips

• If you’re a zombie, instead of brains, why not try half brains and half cottage cheese?

• Hire a combination personal trainer/housekeeper; that way you can get in shape while still getting all the housework done!

• It’s important to know exactly how many calories your body needs each day; otherwise, you will live your life in sweet, ignorant bliss.

• Replace Milk Duds with Skim Milk Duds.

• You know what’s good on carrot sticks? Buttercream frosting (and the carrot sticks have been shredded up and put inside a carrot cake).

• I think it’s time for you to take a good hard look in the mirror. BTW, did I mention I’m a door-to-door mirror salesman?

• If you’re ever down South and decide to try a restaurant called “Hillbillies’ Chili’s,” do not – I repeat, do not – order the “Awesome Possum.”

• An apple a day WILL keep the doctor away. That is, provided you throw it hard enough. Take THAT, Dr. Johnson! THUNK!

• Cutting the grass is really great exercise. I guess that’s why the Hispanic kid I get to cut my lawn is so fit.

• Whorganic apples are cheaper than regular organic ones, but please make sure you wash them extra-good, okay?

• If you think the glass if half empty, well, I’d like to remind you that it’s actually half full! And made out of diamonds!

Even More Weight-Loss Tips and Tricks

• One way to make yourself drink more water is to put a couple of lit sparklers in your mouth.


• Recognize that exposure to certain colors, such as blue, silver, yellow, beige, violet, gold, aquamarine, green, red, purple, orange, teal, turquoise, brown or pink, can trigger hunger. Try to avoid these colors as much as possible.


• Freeze a couple of heads of iceberg lettuce so you can have a nice refreshing salad whenever you want.

• You can make your Fry Daddy more healthy by filling it with dirt and planting some herbs in it.

• Never eat a sandwich bigger than your head.

• Remember the old saying “If you drink a Coke, I hope you choke!”

• One way to get more exercise while sitting on the sofa and watching TV is to get up and go exercise.

• Forgo your usual pre-weigh-in snack.

• It’s really not a good idea to eat an entire can of Crisco unless you’re trying to win a bet.

• Most restaurants will let you go back into the kitchen and prepare your own food exactly like you want it; some will even pay you to prepare everyone else’s food as well. 


• Try to eat fair food only when you're at the fair.


• Just because chocolate is poisonous to dogs doesn't mean you have to run around in a huff and eat all forms of chocolate in the house.

Remember: before Superman started eating healthy and working out, he was just a mild-mannered reporter. Now up, up and away you go… waitaminute… I mean, down, down and away!

Tips for Cooking with Kids

•  It’s a good idea to let your child plan dinner one night, but I hope you like “S’more Casserole”.

• There’s a fine line between teaching a child how to follow a recipe and handing him a cookbook and saying "If you need me, I'll be at the movies."

• For safety purposes, only let child use Nerf® knife.

• Making a soufflé will teach your kid an important life lesson: nothing you do will ever turn out right.

• It’s an ideal opportunity to teach children about different spices and which ones (marjoram, cilantro) are poisonous.

• Don’t worry about making a mess in the kitchen; that’s why you hired a maid, silly.

• Praise them for the effort, even if the final result isn’t perfect: “You did a great job kneading that bread, but next time try not to pick your nose so much while you’re doing it.”

• Learning to cook is also about developing life skills, so take your children to the grocery store to help shoplift the ingredients you’ll need.

• It’s fun to teach kids things they don’t know about cooking, such as “Baking powder and baking soda are the same exact thing.”

• A child’s laughter is one of God’s greatest gifts, so show ‘em that trick where you break an egg with one hand.

• It's like the old saying goes, "Give a child a fish stick and he eats for a day, teach him to fish stick and he eats for a lifetime."

• Following a recipe can teach a child important math skills, such as “guesstimation.”

• It’s a chance to learn about the world’s cultures, foreign languages and geography; for example, if you make a box of Kraft® macaroni-and-cheese, you can talk about how it’s from the “United States” which is located in “America.”

• Finally get to crack line: “Hey, I made you… it’s high time you made something for me!”