• One way to drink more water is to drink scotch-and-water and spit out the scotch.
• Replace sugar with salt and salt with sugar.
• One way to train for a 26.2 mile marathon is to get really good at running .2 miles and then, when you’re comfortable, add in the 26-mile part.
• Remember, when you “sabotage” your diet plans, you’re making a “sab” out of “tag” and “e” (don’t stop and try to figure that out… just keep moving on!).
• You can get into any Weight Watchers meeting by looking exactly like Jennifer Hudson.
• Never eat black cat on a weigh-in day.
• Two things that make you look trimmer are wearing dark clothing and losing weight.
• When you're at a restaurant, ask yourself one question: "What the hell am I doing at this restaurant?"
• Did you know that you can actually leave the banana skins on when you mix up a smoothie? Of course, you can't drink it then...
• Instead of taking the stairs, take the elevator. Wait, you didn't let me finish… take the elevator while doing 1,000 lunges!
There’s a lot of things that thoroughly frost my shorts though, like people being mean to each other and the way my body seems to sometimes crave all the wrong kinds of foods and then makes me feel miserable.
Life is pretty crappy sometimes.
You turn around twice and you’re older than you want to be, less healthy than you want to be, maybe not exactly where you thought you’d be by this point.
C'mon Life! What are ya doin' to me?
I mean, sometimes you get so stressed out and so worked up that you think you’re gonna explode.
And then you come to a realization: I don’t have control of every aspect of my life, but I do have control the most important ones.
I may be older now but I like to think I’m wiser, too. I may be less healthy than I want to be but I’m healthier than I was yesterday. If I’m not exactly where I want to be right now, I AM on my way.
And life is pretty fantastic sometimes.
There are a lot of things that put a smile on my kisser, like people doing good things for each other and the way my body accepts that I’m trying to take it to a better place.
You don't know me and I don't know you, but I'm writing you because I have to thank you.
If you want to know anything about me at all, I can tell you that my name's Giulia, I go by Zu, I am Italian, I'm a food and book addict (I know mixing drugs is dangerous, but sometimes I use those at the same time, too), and I'm one of your undoubtedly numerous followers (or more accurately, lurker).
I don't even have a blog, I'm too much of a procrastinator to even think about maintaining one for more than a week; I do, however, follow other people's blogs quite religiously, yours in primis. I have a weight problem, obviously, I wouldn't be writing you otherwise, but I also have a social anxiety problem, which gave me quite a lot of problems in the last few years.
I was trapped in a maze of binge eating, guilt trips, feeling worthless, getting fatter and squashing everything down with more food. You know the drill. I'm not out of it, yet, not by a long shot (I wonder if I ever will be), but at least I see the emergency exit signs I wasn't able to see before. You, among other and far more personal reasons, are one of the whys you keep on asking about, why I do this here, why I do this now, why. Because I needed it, because I wanted to say that I was worth it (and believe it), because I needed someone to make me see this huuuuuuuuuuge mountain that I had in front of me exactly for what it was: just a gigantic pile of bullshit I had to climb one little step at a time.
You have such a unique approach towards the food-issue and the weight loss-issue and the oh jesus do I have to go to the gym again-issue that made me realize that one of the biggest obstacles in reaching the top of that goddamned mountain (pardon my french, but they're neighbours) was simply my lazy-ass self and my non-stop whining about my not being able to reach my goals. I can't do it, so I won't do it (and cry a little about it, while I'm there).
Guess what, I'm doing it, and I'm succeeding. So, that's why I wanted to thank you and your incredible sense of humour, for helping me realize that life's already miserable for 90% of itself and that it doesn't really need me to put another cherry of desolation on its shitty top. I leave you with my whys, you can choose one of them or throw them all away, it's your choice. I don't have any pictures of myself, besides the one I took when I decided I had enough and the one I took one year later; both pictures were taken on my birthday and none were taken in between, so my cards are a little...different. I leave them with you anyway. I will know that you read them and you'll know that you touched me, and that will be enough.
So long, and thanks for all the fish.
A hug,
Zu
I should have asked Zu's permission to share her correspondence with me, but think I'll implore her forgiveness instead. It just really captured pretty much what this entire project is about. I wish she had her own blog so I could follow along...
If you'd like to share your why-I-do-this-here note(s), please email 'em to me at jacksh.tgettinfit@gmail.com. Please pass along a blog link if you'd like it included.
Well, it's a marvelous week for a weight loss, With our pants moving down one more size. It’s fantastic you track what you ate, boss. Good thing you said “No” to those fries.
And all the workouts that you worked out, To the sound of your favorite playlist. And all the blogs that you regularly read now (By far this one is the strangest).
But all your beeeeeeest efforts seems to falter and fail And all the soft serve ice cream’s made you big as a whale. Can I just have one more weight loss on you, my scale? Did I just eat some more cream sauce again, oh hell!
Well, I wanna get healthly and more fit. I can’t wait until I’m finally at goal. I’m gonna do it or my name is not “Jack Sh*t” Ummmm… okay, you got a point there, asshole.
But then I know my health will be better When I put my own fitness first. There and then, all my dreams will come true, dear . And then I won’t look and feel my worst.
And every time I eat crap, I feel weaker inside And when my pants get too tight, I just want to hide. Can I just have one more weight loss on you, my scale? Can I just make a big escape from this, my jail?
Well, it's a marvelous week for a weight loss, With new habits that’ll be hard to break. Just not gonna succumb to my old fate, boss. Trading pounds off for that pound cake.
Yes all the flab on my abs it is leaving As I break from my former routine. All it takes is hard work and believing. Plus exercise and some healthy cuisine.
Now all the pounds are falling, And my future’s feeling more shiny. And I’m trying to answer a higher calling, To help others take pounds from their hiney.
And all the diet’s magic makes you healthy and strong And you look so much better, when you’re rockin’ a thong. Can I just have one more weight loss on my, rear end? Can I just make some weight loss magic with you, my friend?
One more weight loss with you In the moon light, on a magic night . Can I just have one more weight loss with you, my love?
Tony Robbins always says "If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten." Or maybe it was Tony Orlando. I dunno... Google it yourself if you really gotta know. My point is that the folks who are the most successful on this weight losing/healthy living merry-go-round seem to be the ones who've really figured out WHY they want to be successful.
My W.I.D.T.H. (Why I Do This Here) series is simply a celebration of the multitude of reasons people have chosen to spur them along on their journey. If you'd like to share your reason(s), just shoot me a pic at jacksh.tgettinfit@gmail.com (be sure to include a blog link if you'd like it included).
• Most fitness centers will let you work out for free if you look and sound exactly like a famous celebrity.
• Yes, tracking calories is hard, but do you know what else is hard? Obtaining a PhD in theoretical physics! And suduko puzzles!
• One way to make yourself look thinner is to firm up all the muscles of your body.
• Do Greek yoga while eating Greek yogurt.
• Avoid prolonged exposure to the sun and candy bars.
• It’s important to have good running shoes if you’re going to jog regularly, but it’s more important to have good running feet.
• If you’re ever trapped in the middle of a maze of giant waffles, resist the urge to eat your way out of it.
• One way to make yourself drink more water is to remember the story of the Porpoise and the Hare.
• Instead of canola oil, try cooking with can’tola oil.
• Be a careful shopper; make certain you don’t grab a bag of those 1,000-calorie snacks instead of the 100-calorie ones.
• St. Clement of Alexandra said, “If you do not hope, you will not find what is beyond your hopes.” You can apply that to your weight-loss journey by changing it slightly: “If you do not eat Cheetos, you will not find that your ass suddenly won’t fit in your nice dress slacks.”
So, I was trying out this new gym in town called “Persia-nal Trainers,” when I notice something golden glittering behind the stationary bikes.
I’m always leaving water bottles at the gym, so I was delighted to pick up a lost bottle. There was some writing on the side, so I rubbed it with my sweat towel to see if I could read it.
Suddenly, a strange figure materialized from a cloud of smoke that emitted from the bottle.
“Greetings!” spoke the enormous figure, stroking a magnificent goatee. “I am Gene from the bottle.”
“I thought it was “genie,” I remarked.
“I’m a boy, dumbass,” intoned the imposing figure, a stern expression on his face. “I can grant you one wish as payment for releasing me from my eternal imprisonment.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” I answered. “I thought I get three wishes.”
“What can I say?” frowned Gene. “This economy is affecting us all…”
“Okay,” I muttered. “One wish… one wish…”
“C’mon, already,” whined Gene. “I’ve got a reservation at Alli Baba Ganoush and the 40 Pitas.
“There’s so many things I could wish for,” I frowned. “A magic scale that never shows a gain, pants that never get tight, magic donuts that burn calories, running shoes that actually do the running for you…”
“I may be immortal, but I don’t have all day,” growled Gene.
“I wish… I wish…,” I said. “I wish I could think of something really good. Oh wait… I’ve got it.”
“Your wish has been granted!”
“Wait!” I shrieked. “I was gonna wish for an unlimited supply of wishes…”
The genie had already disappeared, but as I stood there in the empty gym, a smile crossed my lips.
“Welcome to my newest wonderland,” proclaimed John Hammond. “It’s a combination Weight Watchers facility and all-you-can-eat buffet restaurant.”
“Isn’t that dangerous?” asked noted anthropologist Dr. Alan Grant.
“It can’t possibly work,” remarked Ian Malcolm, the snobby-but-brilliant mathematician. “I wrote a research paper saying it couldn’t be done.”
“But we’ve done it!” smiled Hammond.
“Yeah, but your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should,” insisted Malcolm.
“I don’t see what could possibly go wrong with combining weight-loss meetings with a delicious all-you-can-eat buffet,” laughed Hammond.
"Real life isn't a series of interconnected events occurring one after another - like beads strung on a necklace,” explained Malcolm. “Life is actually a series of encounters in which one event may change those that follow in a wholly unpredictable, even devastating way.”
“Ooooo… did you see the dessert station?” exclaimed Hammond.
“There is a problem with this place,” frowned Malcolm. “It is an accident waiting to happen.”
“I don’t understand,” remarked Grant.
“Fat breaks free,” lectured Malcolm. “Fat expands to new territories. Painfully, perhaps even dangerously. But fat finds a way.”
“Nonsense!” chortled Hammond. “Look, there’s a Weight Watchers meeting starting in the next room, right over there by the baked potato bar.”
Suddenly a low rumble filled the room, and every table started shaking.
“What was that?” asked Hammond.
“Oh my god…” stammered Grant. “I can’t believe my eyes: it’s Sh*ttasaurus Jax!”
A large figure stumbled toward the rows of steaming food, grabbed a plate and started piling it full, only stopping to stuff a huge roll into his mouth.
“Fascinating!” said Hammond. “Look at him working those powerful jaws.”
“I’m too busy staring at those tiny, scrawny arms,” said Grant. “Do they even work?”
“Hey!” muttered Sh*ttasaurus Jax, grabbing a second plate. “I’m lifting weights… sometimes…”
Then Sh*ttasaurus Jax and the others from the Weight Watchers meeting attacked the buffet like a pack of raptors. The carnage wasn’t necessarily indescribable, but this post is getting kinda long.
Hammond and the two scientists backed away in abject horror.
“Healthy systems are never in equilibrium,” remarked Malcolm. “They are inherently unstable. They may seem stable, but they’re not. Everything is moving and changing. In a sense, every diet is always on the edge of collapse.”
“I see, I see,” realized Hammond. “Well, maybe it’s time to try my other idea: a dinosaur-themed barbecue restaurant…”
It interests me greatly, the reasons why folks are alongside me on this journey to better health. That was the whole idea behind this "Why I Do This Here" series, and I'm happy to say that I've posted hundreds of contributions over the past few months . Want to join in? All you have to do is jot down a reason you're doing what you're doing and email it to jacksh.tgettinfit@gmail.com(oh, and be sure and include a blog link if you have one so some of my nice readers have a chance to become some of your nice readers).
The Devil came up to Jack Sh*t, he was looking for a deal to do, He was a bit irate ‘cos he’d gained some weight, and was looking to lose a few. When he came across this young man writin’ on a blog and actin’ a fool. And the devil jumped up in his grill and challenged him to a duel. “I bet you didn't know it, but I write a weight loss blog as well. Don’t like to boast about my posts, but it’s the best damn blog in Hell. Now you’ve lost a good bit of weight, son, but give the devil his due: I bet a scale of gold against your soul, ‘cos I think I can lose more than you.”
The boy said “My name’s Jackie, and you may think you’re frightenin’, But c’mon, Satan, there’s no use waitin’, I’ll kick your ass at dietin’!”
Jackie, lace your shoes up tight and work out with all you got, ‘Cos Hell’s broke loose this summer and it’s getting’ kinda hot. A good weigh-in and you’ll get this bright new golden scale. But if you gain, your soul gets shipped to Hell.
The devil started out his week by gettin’ sweaty as a yeti. But then went home and downed three big ol’ platefuls of spaghetti. He lifted weights for a while but got bored with all that stuff. He meant to eat some yogurt but wound up with a cream puff.
When the devil finished, Jackie said, “That’s all you got? If you think that’ll do the trick, then you don’t know Jack… ummmm… squat.”
Five miles ‘round the track, run Jack, run. Don’t forget to stretch some when you’re done. Salad on your lunch plate, pickin’ lite dressin’ Then back to the gym for more bench-pressin’.
The devil climbed up on the scale but showed a pound-and-one-half gain. He realized at last that his diet challenge had been in vain. Johnny said: "Devil just come on back if you wanna hear me scoff. I’ll take your golden scale now… hey, this damn thing’s one pound off!”
And he ran five more miles on the track, run, Jack, run. Don’t forget to stretch some when you’re done. Take this journey up one more level. Nobody gonna stop you, not even the Devil.
• Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, so please remember to wear a formal evening gown or tuxedo when eating it.
• Encourage the company where you work to sponsor a "Biggest Loser" challenge; if that works, try to get them to sponsor a "Deal or No Deal" challenge. Hey,maybe you'll win a million dollars and can quit this crummy job!
• Instead of dipping caramel apples in caramel, just dip regular apples in caramel instead. Way fewer calories!
• When at your favorite restaurant, try ordering the opposite of what you really want.
• Install a series of ropes or vines throughout your house and swing from room to room on them. Tarzan's a pretty fit dude, after all.
• Every morning, I look in the mirror and say "I can do this!" So tomorrow, I'd like you to look in your mirror and say "Jack can do this!"
• There's no quicker way to get in your daily intake of water than to almost drown.
• Every time you make an excuse for not exercising, an angel gets a migraine headache.
• Don't trust a dietician who eats a 2-lb. bag of pork rinds during your initial consultation.
• If you're a cannibal, consider leaner cuts like shins and biceps instead of buttocks.
• Beer is pretty high calorie, so a good strategy is to drink so much that you throw up.
Okay, Kool-Aid man, Sh*t Heads and Pisa. You ready?
Seems like everybody's on a diet, No wonder our pants are so tight. When the food comes first, And the fitness comes second, Time to stop for a minute and Think.
Why is everybody so sendintary? Actin’ like this stuff’s extra scary. Got love handles on your sides And on your rear end besides, And you feel like you wanna go hide.
Everybody eat a little less (yeah) Everybody sweat every day (ha) Can you feel that? (yeah) We're changing our lives, okay?
It's all about the body, body, body . Wanna make a better body, body, body. Wanna get outta these fat pants, Feel good about our nice bod. It’s all about the (uh) cha-change cha-change. All about the (yeah) ba-blog ba-blog / Wanna join the health squad, We’re here to make a nice bod.
Okay! I need to take you back in the past, When we all suffered from a fat ass. We were eatin’ nachos, Little Debbie HoHo’s, Was I the only one pigging out? Why is everybody so obese? Turning every meal into a feast. Can we all slow down and enjoy right now . Guarantee we'll be feeling healthy.
Everybody eat a little less (yeah) Everybody sweat every day (ha) Can you feel that? (yeah) We're changing our lives, okay? It's all about the body, body, body . We wanna make a better body, body, body. Wanna get outta these fat pants, Feel good about our nice bod. It’s all about the (uh) cha-change cha-change. All about the (yeah) ba-blog ba-blog . Wanna join the health squad, We’re here to make a nice bod.
Yeah yeah, Well, keep your mouth shut, And get your sweat on. Just give your best shot, You’re not too far gone. And you can, can change your life, Leave bad habits behind And all you… All you need is effort and desire. And guess what? A Few weeks in, You’ll be feelin’ the fire. Eatin’ healthy food (including plenty of fiber). It’s like this, man, you can’t put a price on your health. We do this for ourselves so we can sleep good at night. It’s true we may stumble and fall occasionally. Yeah, we might stall out or struggle painfully. But we’re gonna keep on with this journey. Yeah, I’m too burly, but it’s still kinda early.
It's all about the body, body, body We wanna make a better body, body, body Wanna get outta these fat pants, Feel good about our nice bod. It’s all about the (uh) cha-change cha-change. All about the (yeah) ba-blog ba-blog Wanna join the health squad, We’re here to make a nice bod.
All about the body, body, body . We wanna make a better body, body, body. Wanna get outta these fat pants, Feel good about our nice bod. It’s all about the (uh) cha-change cha-change. All about the (yeah) ba-blog ba-blog. Wanna join the health squad, We’re here to make a nice bod.
Yeah, yeah, Oo-oooh ... It’s all about the nice bod.
