Suffering from “Cramnesia”

Weekly weigh-in: 250.2
Loss: +.7
Total loss: -41.3

Emotion: Don’t remember

Apparently, I have come down with a mysterious ailment.

It seems that whenever I cram food in my piehole, I somehow forget about the whole concept that there is some sort o relationship between calories consumed and weight loss.

This “cramnesia” strikes at inopportune times, derailing my best efforts at making progress on the scale. I can spend an hour pumping out sweat in the gym, then absent-mindedly overdo it on the eating front.

The most frustrating thing is not that my doctor won’t prescribe something for my  “cramnesia” but refuses to acknowledge that it is even a medical condition. That’s the last time I search for a doctor on craigslist!

So anyway, if anyone has heard of a reliable treatment for “cramnesia”, please pass it along.

Why I Blog the Way I Blog

Weekly weigh-in: 249.5
Loss: -6.5
Total loss: -42
Emotion: Jacked up

I don’t blog like most weight loss warriers, sharing my menus and workout routines. Oh, I have menus and workout routines. Don’t believe I don’t have them! I HAVE THEM!

I just find them incredibly… boring.

When I’m rolling along, I’ll go weeks at a time eating the same breakfasts and lunches, maybe changing my exercise routines up slightly but maybe not at all. It is the opposite of fascinating.

But here’s the thing: I’m in for the long haul, or at least that’s what I tell myself.

So… for me, blogging is about staying engaged in what I’m doing.

If I write a post about silly weigh-in tricks (never eat any black cat on your weigh-in day, jump on when the scale’s not looking, skip your pre-weigh-in snack), it’s not because I think weighing in is silly; it’s because if I’m weighing in on anything weight- or health-related, my mind’s in the game.

So, I’m back getting after it. I’m eating a little less, eating a little better, exercising every day. I’m blogging the silliness out of my system and taking a no-nonsense approach to my health.

That’s what works for me.

What works for you?

The Long Slide

Man, this is a tough post to write…

I wish I could say that was because someone had reprogrammed my computer keyboard so that all the letters were in different places…

Speaking of which, did you know that there’s an alternative keyboard layout to the traditional “QWERTY” one? It’s called “Dvorak” (named after educational psychologist and professor of education August Dvorak).

Apparently, the QWERTY keyboard was designed in the 1870’s to actually slow down typists due to mechanical limitations of early typewriters. By contrast, the Dvorak  keyboard was designed with emphasis on comfort, high productivity and ease of learning.

As you can see, the Dvorak keyboard has the most-used consonants on the right side of the home row, and the vowels on the left side of the home row. It’s set up to facilitate keying in a back-and-forth motion -- (right hand, then left hand, then right, etc.) which makes typing quicker, easier and safer (you’re less likely to suffer carpal tunnel syndrome and other repetitive motion injuries).
But I’m getting off track…

And getting off track is exactly what I seem to have been doing the last few months.

It started when my wife Anita informed me that our scale … my precious scale… was 10+ pounds off. Ten pounds off? You mean, it’s saying you’re ten pounds heavier than you really are?

Of course not…

I accepted the new number, but didn’t recognize it on my blog. I’ll knock that ten pounds off before I officially weigh in again, I told myself (which is the kind of thinking that usually gets a person in trouble).

So there I was, oh-so busy and traveling all over creation during October, then busy and… ummmm… slacking off in November. And December started kind of the same as I was blogging about Italy instead of focused on making some headway on my health and weight loss goals.

But here’s the deal: it wasn’t an off-kilter scale’s fault, wasn’t the vacation or the holiday’s fault, wasn’t even those evil Italian gelato vendors’ fault.

It was just a breakdown on the accountability front.

I may not be able to fix all my weight-related issues in the blink of an eye, but I can damn well be more accountable easily enough.

I usually wait until the weekend to weigh in, but somebody told me that there’s no time like the present…

So…



Weekly weigh-in: 256.00
Loss: Are you kidding me?
Total loss: -35.5
Emotion: Ready, Willing and (Hopefully) Able


Here’s to doubling-down on the commitment front, to recognizing problems then taking steps to correct them… and to fresh starts.

What's Your Motivation?

Weekly weigh-in: 231.0

Loss: -0.4
Total loss: -60.9
Emotion: Ready for my close-up


What’s it the actors say?

“I’m having trouble finding my motivation…”

I’m going to be out of town three weeks next month, one on a business trip to South Bend and two in Italy with my beautimous wife Anita.

So I’m fighting off the temptation to wait until I get back home to get really serious with my health/weight loss goals. One of the main reasons NOT to just to coast until November is that I realize how easy it would be to, at that point, just say “Well, let’s just wait until the holidays are over and get off to a brand new fresh start!”

You don’t have to tell me what a terrifically terrible idea that is, and I don’t need your sympathy about me having to travel to Europe and eat awesomely authentic Italian food (do they have an Olive Garden there?) and drinking hearty red wine as fast as they can stomp the grapes.

I know, I know…

Stay the course. Make good choices. Exercise with passion.

There. There’s your motivation!

Lights, camera… ACTION!

Nowhere To Go But Up... No, Wait... Down!

Weekly weigh-in: 231.4


Loss: +5.9

Total loss: -60.5


Emotion: Overwrought



The bad news is that I stumbled all over the place over the last couple of weeks and the worse news was… ummmm… there was no good news to offset the bad news.

Yeah, it was a one-step-backwards, two-steps-backwards kind of week.

Mojo’s a funny thing, isn’t it? You tear out of the starting gate with all the best intentions and sometimes you trip up over that first hurdle.

And while you’re beating yourself up over your misstep, you realize you’ve just tripped over the second hurdle and are about to plow through the third one.

And then you think, “That’s it! I’m clearing every hurdle for the rest of the way,” after which you sprain your ankle, limp home and eat a carton of Häagen-Dazs.

But here’s the deal: I’m not giving up.

I may stumble a few times, may even sprint backwards from time to time, but I always try to keep my eyes on my goal.

I’m gonna keep moving forward.

For me.

For my family.

For my future.

Even for you, because you stop by here from time to time and check on me and my progress.

Here’s to fresh starts and doubling down on our commitment.

I Gained a Pound

Weekly weigh-in: 226.0

Loss: +1.0
Total loss: -65.9

Emotion: Ticked

I gained a pound.

How did it happen?

Who’s to blame?

What’s the matter?

Why did it occur?

Where did it come from?

I gained a pound.

It happens.

I’m to blame.

I ate more than I should.

That’s where it always comes from.

I gained a pound.

I need to get to work…

Breaking In a New Scale

Weekly weigh-in: 225.0

Loss: -.9

Total loss: -66.9

Emotion: Three-quarters awesome

Jack: I know this is your first day on the job, but there’s a few things we need to get straight before you start…

Scale: Hop on.

Jack: You see, I think we should begin these weigh-in proceedings with some witty banner. Maybe a joke, maybe a funny anecdote…

Scale: I said “Hop on, bitch!”

Jack: I don’t understand why every scale I come in contact with has to have such a piss-poor attitude.



Scale: What part of “Hop on, bitch!” do you not understand?


Jack: I'm just saying that I think there's room for some civility in our relationship...

Scale: Do you think I enjoy sitting here, staring at your junk all day? Hop on!

Jack: You know, a few words of encouragement might make all the difference in this situation.

Scale: I’m going back to sleep now.

Jack: No, no… let’s do this thang!

Scale: 225.0

Jack: You couldn’t have given me a tenth of pound so I could have lost an whole pound this week?

Scale: Next!

A Scalawag With A New Scale

 

Dishwasher not functioning, scale on the blink. Nothing in my house is working right. So I went out today and bought all new dishes... and a brand new scale. A smart scale. Perhaps a too-smart scale... supposedly it measures body fat percentage, body water percentage, muscle mass, bone mass and even features something called a Daily CaloriePredictor™. Hmmmm... it doesn't say whether or not it tells you your weight...

Okay, I've read this three times and I still can't figure out how this hot mess of electronics works.

 

Waitaminute... I just realized that the owner's manual isn't in English. Why do I continue to shop at Grande Juan Carlos' Casa dé Bargains?

 

Okay, well maybe we'll just fire this sucker up and just push buttons until I figure it out... except I need a 9-volt battery and we don't seem to have any of those little square mamba jambas in the battery drawer. Also, we don't seem to have a battery drawer...

 

Luckily, I know where my wife Anita hides the 9-volt batteries...

 

There we go... this thing doesn't even need a battery. It apparently is just a device that emits an ear-piercing noise every time I cook...

You know, I read somewhere that a 9-volt battery contains roughly the same amount of kinetic energy as a bowl of Lucky Charms, but I'm not sure I believe that.

Okay, give me a week to figure this bad boy out and we'll be back in the game! And I'll have an update on my bone mass numbers!

Wacky Weigh-in

Weekly weigh-in:  205.9 - 235.9
Loss: It's a mystery
Total loss: -Nobody knows
Emotion: Emotionless


So I hop on for my weekly weigh-in, and the scale shows a 20-lb. loss.

Go me!

I knew I’d been pretty good, but sometimes you just shock yourself.

So there I am, in mid-celebratory dance, when suddenly it dawns on me…

Sometimes the second time you weigh yourself, the number’s even lower.

So I take a deep breath and jump back on.

Uh oh! A 10-lb. gain.

Hmmmmm… that’s what you get for being greedy.

Three more tries gave me an 18-lb loss, a 14-lb gain and an upside-down row of 3’s.

Changing the batteries only made the inconsistent readings brighter and easier to read.

So apparently I need to keep working.

And buy a new scale.

Return of the Funky Monk

Weekly weigh-in: 225.9
Loss: -5.2
Total loss: -66.0
Emotion: Full of faith

I’ll admit it:  I was a trifle exasperated at my lack of success on the weigh-in front. I seem to have undone a lot of hard work over the last few months, so I finally decided to go a little medieval on my diet-and-exercise plan.

I perused my archives, trying to tap into a little bit of the spark and spirit that powered loss after loss after loss.

What did I discover? That I do my best when I throw myself into the deep end… when I commit fully and unreservedly. Yes,

So this week, I channeled my inner weight-loss warrior.

The result?

Not a slurp of soda.

Not a sip of coffee.

Not a swig of beer.

Not a drop of wine.

Eating (mostly) on plan.

Exercising like a bat out of Hell.

And a five-pound loss.

I don’t plan on living my entire life like a monk…

But I figure it doesn’t hurt to dine at the monastery for a while.

More Signs It’s Gonna Be a Bad Weigh-in…

• Starbucks opens new location in your living room


• Lost track of daily Weight Watcher points at 1,000,000

• 
You accidentally poured yourself a tall glass of maple syrup


• Waitress thought you said “side of beef” instead of “side salad”

• 
Realized you’ve been brushing your teeth with a tube of frosting all week


• That 10K run you did every day no longer so impressive since you realized that you’ve mixed up “kilometers” and “millimeters” again


•  Somebody brought donuts to the office... then held you down and forced you to eat a half dozen

• You were a guest at a dinner party at Paula Deen's house


• You had birthday cake six days this week (three days at birthday parties and three days when you were just really hungry for birthday cake)


• Scale showing 10 lbs before you even step on


• You ate black cat for dinner last night

If this wasn't enough Sh*t for you today,
check out my guest post over at
Dr. Fitness & The Fat Guy.

This is Courage

Weekly weigh-in: 231.1
Loss: +1.3
Total loss: -60.8
Emotion: Compelled

There’s this story about an Oxford philosophy exam, see?

The test requires an 8-page essay answer backed up with source material, quotes and analytical reasoning.

So anyway, this one guy turns in a single sheet with a single sentence on it…

“This is courage.”

He received top marks.

I really wish there was a creative, easy way to ace this whole weight-loss exam, because the long, drawn-out version filled with ups and downs, successes and setbacks… well, it’s enough to make you want to just walk out of the classroom in a frustrated fit.

There are no easy answers.

No three-word solutions.

It’s time to get to work.

More Ways to Give Your Weigh-In More Pizzazz

• Weigh yourself in Spanish.
• Do a back flip and land on scale (extra points if you nail the dismount).
• Weigh yourself on world’s tiniest scale.
• Better choreography.
• Weigh in on horseback (then if you have a gain, you can blame it on all the hay stupid horse ate)
• Have guy at carnival guess your weight.
• Body paint.
• Get local TV station be incorporate your weigh-in with announcement of Powerball winning numbers.
• Do it in the nude. At the airport.
• Hire bugler to play “Taps”.
• Convert your weight into heiroglyhics.
• Recreate the famous weigh-in scene from Gone With the Wind.
• Replace bathroom fixtures with strobe lights.
• If you show a gain, write a mad-as-hell letter to the editor!
• Videotape your weigh-ins and study them afterwards to see what exactly you did wrong.
• Try using your Jedi mind tricks on scale.
• Page 57 from the Kama Scaletra.
• Try losing a little weight.

A Date With Density

Weekly weigh-in: 229.8
Loss: +5.5
Total loss: -62.1
Emotion: &*@#$%!

Well, I’ve been putting off stepping on the scale for weeks, thinking that I needed just a little more time to undo the overdoing I’ve been doing; however I’ve been underdoing on the undoing and doing more overdoing instead. Not only does that not make sense, but it doesn’t even make any sense!

Something funny happened when I got without 10 pounds of my absolute *perfect* goal weight… I turned around twice and I was 15 pounds from it… 20 pounds from it… 30 pounds from it. Okay, maybe it wasn’t funny in a “ha ha” way. And maybe it wasn't funny in a strange way either. I guess it wasn’t really funny at all come to think of it…

What started off as a slight course correction has suddenly because a legitimate cause for concern. Pants that I was wearing comfortably a few months ago have been sheepishly moved to an out-of-reach shelf.

I’m not going to stand here and scream about how I’m gonna kick it up into high gear now because I’ve done this too often to think that a big “This is it!” proclamation is going to fuel anything but a day or two of good behavior.

So I’m going to sit back and reassess. Tweak my workout routine and try to trim some of the bad habits that have seemed to creep back in my day-to-day existence. It may even mean that some of the time I currently squander making ridiculous lists and silly songs for this space will need to be spent making sweat bubble up out of my body. You know what they say: when the going gets tough, get going toughly and okay... I wasn't paying much attention when they were talking about the going getting tough. Sorry...

Anyway, take a deep breath… and do what you need to do to be what you want to be.

Monday’s infinity + infinity away.

Start today.

Go to Hell, Scale!

It’s my birthday weekend, and birthdays and weigh-ins go together like peanut butter and mayonnaise.

So… no numbers today, just some gratitude for everyone who’s sent me birthday well-wishes via blog comment, Facebook wall posting, tweet, card, singing telegram or phone call. I appreciate the love.

Next week, I’ve got a date with my scale, but tonight my wife Anita’s taking me out for my birthday dinner and we plan to celebrate in style. I’m not getting older, I’m getting better!*

*Check that… I ran the numbers and apparently I AM getting older. Sorry to put bad information out there like that…

Mister Sh*t's Neighborhood

It’s a wonderful day for a weigh-in, dude.
A wonderful day for a weigh-in.
Can you lose weight?
Will you lose weight?

You’ve been working out your booty, dude.
Working off your booty.
Can you lose weight?
Will you lose weight?

I have always wanted to have a body that’s fit and trim.
Have always wanted to look good when I hit the gym.

So, let’s make some changes and start it today.
Go get a workout in, that’s what I say.
Can you be fit?
Yeah, says Jack Sh*t.
Hope you have a good weigh-in.

Big News

Weekly weigh-in: 224.3
Loss: -0.1
Total loss: -67.6
Emotion: Filled with long-term confidence

.1

You read that right:  point one, baby!

That sounds much better than one-tenth of a pound, doesn’t it?

If I keep things rolling at this rate, I could lose over 5 lbs. in a year.

That’s 50 lbs. in 10 years.

And 500 lbs in 100 years!

And I’m sorry, but if me losing 500 lbs doesn’t impress you, well then… what have I gotta do?

Weighed-And-See Attitude

Scale:  Welcome back, Jack. I can’t decide if you’re a glutton for punishment or just… well… a regular glutton.

Me: C’mon… let’s get this over with…

Scale: What’s the big hurry? We don’t spend much time together during the week. This is my only chance to tell you what I really think of you…

Me: A number please.

Scale: Oh… so it’s just “Wham, bam, weigh you, ma’am.” Is that how it’s gonna be?

Me: If you don’t mind…

Scale: Let me tell you about today’s specials.

Me: Kill me…

Scale: Today we have your choice of a teeny-weeny loss, a teeny-tiny gain or a biggish gain.

Me: I know that’s all you’ve been serving up lately, but I was hoping for a little something special this morning.

Scale: A WHOLE POUND DOWN? Damn, Jack! What’s gotten into you?

Me: Less food, I’d say.

Scale: Well, I’ll get you next week.

Me: You don’t understand: I’m not locked in here with you. You’re locked in here with me.

Scale: Tough guy. What’s that even mean anyway?

Me: I dunno. I just heard it in a movie one time.
 
Weekly weigh-in: 224.4
Loss: -1.1
Total loss: -67.5
Emotion: On it

A Tale of Two Sh*tty's

Weekly weigh-in: 225.5
Loss: --
Total loss: -66.4

Emotion: Resolved

It was the best of weigh-ins. It was the worst of weigh-ins.

It seems as though that's my modus operandi these days. I go back and forth more than a contestant on "So You Think You Can Dance."

I know that success with this weight-loss business comes from stringing good days together.

 I know it...I know it like I know the lyrics to any and every 60's or 70's TV sitcom... I know it and I still struggle.

I half-heartedly hopped on the scale a couple of weeks ago and saw a number that set off the emergency sirens in my skull.

I know in my heart of hearts that it was an artificially high number due to a super-salty spread at ourfavorite Ethiopian restaurant, but it still got my attention.

So I buckled down and tried to see if my outlandish "eat-less and exercise-more" regimen was still just crazy enough to work.

I measured and tracked on the food front, grunted and groaned through my daily workouts.

It was really tough sledding for a couple of days, but I finally settled back into at least the semblance if a regular routine.

Sometimes an even-steven weigh-in feels like a victory and sometimes it feels like a kick in the kidneys.

This time?

This time I'm too busy looking forward to the next weigh-in to pay it much mind...

I Hate To Do This...