What My Scale Might Say If It Could Talk

• “Get off! Get off! Get off!”
• “Maybe you’re just retaining fat.”
• “They say any loss is a good loss. How’s about -.00001 lbs.?”
• “Here comes the pain!”
• “Round and round she goes, where she stops, nobody knows.”
• “When you lose, you take all the credit; when you gain, ya blame me!”
• “Looks like you’ve got Dunlap’s Disease. Your belly’s done lapped over your belt.”
• “Ummmmph!”
• “On the moon, you’d only weigh 43 pounds.”
• “Why don’t you try again… maybe it’ll be drastically lower.”
• “And you thought nobody saw you eat those chips…”
• “Good news: you’re still beating anorexia!”
• “Does this number make you look fat?”
• “Tippin’ is encouraged. Get it, get it? Tippin’ the scales… ah, you don’t know funny.”
• “Are you a glutton for punishment or just a regular glutton?”
• “For God’s sake–will you please put on some underwear?”
• “BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA….”
• “Let’s say we just call it two hundred and plenty?”
• “I’ve got an idea: today I’ll stand on you and call you a f*ckin’ b*tch.”
• “Say, are you losing weight?

A Scalawag With A New Scale

 

Dishwasher not functioning, scale on the blink. Nothing in my house is working right. So I went out today and bought all new dishes... and a brand new scale. A smart scale. Perhaps a too-smart scale... supposedly it measures body fat percentage, body water percentage, muscle mass, bone mass and even features something called a Daily CaloriePredictor™. Hmmmm... it doesn't say whether or not it tells you your weight...

Okay, I've read this three times and I still can't figure out how this hot mess of electronics works.

 

Waitaminute... I just realized that the owner's manual isn't in English. Why do I continue to shop at Grande Juan Carlos' Casa dé Bargains?

 

Okay, well maybe we'll just fire this sucker up and just push buttons until I figure it out... except I need a 9-volt battery and we don't seem to have any of those little square mamba jambas in the battery drawer. Also, we don't seem to have a battery drawer...

 

Luckily, I know where my wife Anita hides the 9-volt batteries...

 

There we go... this thing doesn't even need a battery. It apparently is just a device that emits an ear-piercing noise every time I cook...

You know, I read somewhere that a 9-volt battery contains roughly the same amount of kinetic energy as a bowl of Lucky Charms, but I'm not sure I believe that.

Okay, give me a week to figure this bad boy out and we'll be back in the game! And I'll have an update on my bone mass numbers!

Wacky Weigh-in

Weekly weigh-in:  205.9 - 235.9
Loss: It's a mystery
Total loss: -Nobody knows
Emotion: Emotionless


So I hop on for my weekly weigh-in, and the scale shows a 20-lb. loss.

Go me!

I knew I’d been pretty good, but sometimes you just shock yourself.

So there I am, in mid-celebratory dance, when suddenly it dawns on me…

Sometimes the second time you weigh yourself, the number’s even lower.

So I take a deep breath and jump back on.

Uh oh! A 10-lb. gain.

Hmmmmm… that’s what you get for being greedy.

Three more tries gave me an 18-lb loss, a 14-lb gain and an upside-down row of 3’s.

Changing the batteries only made the inconsistent readings brighter and easier to read.

So apparently I need to keep working.

And buy a new scale.

No Gain, No Pain

Weekly weigh-in: 217.5
Loss: - 0
Total loss: -74.4
Emotion: Blah

Sometimes a gain on the scale gets stuck in my craw and spurs me on to do a little better with my food choices and maybe even exercise a little harder for the next few days.

Sometimes a loss on the scale throws my mojo into overdrive, supercharging my energy and making it a breeze to keep keeping on with my healthy living ways.

Sometimes a gain on the scale just ticks me off–I mean, really frosts my shorts. It makes me question why all of this stuff doesn’t come more naturally to me and why is it exactly that I’m working so damn hard.

Sometimes a loss on the scale just makes me think that I’m on the going-down section of the roller-coaster, and that I’ll be climbing back up before you know it.

And sometimes… sometimes I (and by “I”, I mean every single one of us) give too much weight to these weary weigh-ins. I mean, I have to do them because I know what will happen if I don’t check in regularly… but… (you knew I’d have a big “but” in there didn’t you? Hey! Don’t say I have a big butt!).

But… video evidence to the contrary, I’m getting better and better at understanding my own body and why it is the way it is. I know I that weigh 3-4 lbs. more when I wake up than when I go to bed, and I know a salty meal will stay with me seemingly forever.

I beat myself up over this stuff just like you beat yourself up, but I’m pretty proud of the progress I’ve made, and I have no intention of giving in anytime soon.

I know that there are some strange forces at work inside my mind and body. Some weeks they work in tandem to achieve the desired results and some weeks they’re locked in evenly-matched game of tug of war (and occasionally… only occasionally… they team up and kick my ass).

I stand on a scale once a week, but all it gives me is a number.

It doesn’t tell me who I am or where I’m headed.

That’s for me to decide.

Here We Go Again...

Yeah, last week's weigh-in was a bitch. This week? Not so much...

Weekly weigh-in: 217.5
Loss: -1.5
Total loss: -74.4
Emotion: Unmiffed

Me, My Scale & I

Weekly weigh-in: 216.4
Loss: -.3
Total loss: -75.5
Emotion: Indefatigable

Maybe you and the scale dance every day, maybe you don’t give a doodley-damn what it’s got to say.

Maybe a gain sends you into a spiral of sadness and self-loathing. Maybe an uptick on the scale spurs you to be more determined and driven going forward.

Maybe a loss provides a near pharmaceutical high. Maybe you take each weigh-in with a shrug and a wary smile, because you know what the scale giveth, it may soon taketh away.

Maybe you sweat out every tenth-of-a-pound drop and maybe you don’t give too much weight to a number on a scale.

For me, the scale’s just another tool. Used right, it can help you stay focused and stay accountable. Used wrong, it can drive you out of your ever-loving mind.

Because make no mistake:  it will confound you, perplex you, infuriate you. You can do everything right and it just may laugh in your face. You can struggle and stumble and be shocked to see a “how’d-that-happen?” drop.

Once a week, I take a deep breath and step on that scale.

It isn’t always fair and it isn’t always a loss, but more often than not, I get what I deserve.

What I earned.

Man Vs Scale

Weekly weigh-in: 212.3
Loss: +1.0
Total loss: -79.7
Emotion: Argumentative


Scale: Step right up.

Me: I don’t wanna…

Scale: I said “step up”, bitch!

Me: You know, this journey isn’t all about what you say.

Scale: Ah, the Loser’s Lament.

Me: Excuse me?

Scale: And I don’t mean “loser” in the classic weight-loss context either.

Me: You don’t need to be so ugly…

Scale: Oh, I’m just gettin’ started. Step on and I’ll show you ugly.

Me: I’ve been lifting, and that affects my weight.

Scale: You’ve been lifting all right… you’ve been lifting that fork, you’ve been lifting that beer mug.

Me: Muscle weighs more than fat.

Scale: Yeah, and fat people weigh more than fit people.

Me: All you give me is a number.

Scale: Wrong, Jack Sh*t-for-brains. I give you responsibility, I give you accountability, I give you perspective, I give you purpose.

Me: You’re just a box of gears and circuits.

Scale: And you’re just a bag of blood and bones!

Me: You take away every shred of dignity I have, you bastard…

Scale: Hey, I think that ship sailed when you started having a buck-naked conversation with an inanimate object.

Me: I don’t know why you hate me so much…

Scale: Jack, Jack, Jack… I’m the only one who loves you enough to tell you the plain and honest truth. Your “friends” will let you blow up like a balloon and never saw word one.

Me: Well…

Scale: I’ve got no skin in the game, Jack. You can’t bully me, can’t bribe me, can’t butter me up.

Me: But…

Scale: But nothing. You stick with me… you work with me… and we’ll get to where you want to go.

Me: * sigh* All right… here goes nothing.

Scale: Nothing… you wish! I got a one pound gain for ya! Boo-ya!