I Just Hope I Don't Gain

Yummmmmmm
.
Sun Chips, fruit pies, please go away.

I seem to have found myself at another buffet.
I’m eating away my future, my life has become unbearable.
And day after day, I eat things topped with too much caramel.

I know to you it might sound strange.

But I just hope I don’t gain. (How I hope that I don’t gain) 

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
.


‘Cause so badly I wanna be healthy. (have a healthy bod)

But everyone knows a man ain’t supposed to be this heavy.
I gotta diet even tho dietin’ causes me pain, oh yeah.
Just gotta get my body to quit listening to my brain.
I just hope I don’t gain. (Oh, how I hope that I don’t gain)


Let me not gain.

Gain, gain, gain (Oh, how I hope that I don’t gain)

Ooo, baby. Let me not gain..
(Don’t wanna gain)
Oh yeah, no wanna gain.



Day in, day out, my sweat stained shirt
The way I always skip dessert.
I wait up on that scale, desperate for no gain.
‘Cause it’s a sore fate when I have more weight
And no one will ever know.
That I'm cryin’... cryin' when I go outside.

To the world outside my blog, I try to explain.

Oh, I hope I don’t gain. (Oh, how I hope that I don’t gain)

Ooo, baby.

Let me not gain, let me not gain.


I need to get on a roll if I wanna reach my goal.

Oh, let me not gain..


Oh, yeah, yeah listen.

I'm a man and I got my pride.
Give me a gain and I’ll run and hide. 

Let me not gain.

(Let me not gain)

(Let me not (gain) (gain) (gain) gain, gain)

More Signs It’s Gonna Be a Bad Weigh-in…

• Starbucks opens new location in your living room


• Lost track of daily Weight Watcher points at 1,000,000

• 
You accidentally poured yourself a tall glass of maple syrup


• Waitress thought you said “side of beef” instead of “side salad”

• 
Realized you’ve been brushing your teeth with a tube of frosting all week


• That 10K run you did every day no longer so impressive since you realized that you’ve mixed up “kilometers” and “millimeters” again


•  Somebody brought donuts to the office... then held you down and forced you to eat a half dozen

• You were a guest at a dinner party at Paula Deen's house


• You had birthday cake six days this week (three days at birthday parties and three days when you were just really hungry for birthday cake)


• Scale showing 10 lbs before you even step on


• You ate black cat for dinner last night

If this wasn't enough Sh*t for you today,
check out my guest post over at
Dr. Fitness & The Fat Guy.

How to Gain 60 Pounds in Six Months

So you want to gain 100 pounds over the next six months.

It’s really not as difficult as you might think. As a matter of fact, if you pay attention and do what I say, it’s “belly” easy (that’s a little weight-gaining humor right there, no extra charge).

Follow these guidelines and you’ll be packing on the poundage in no time “flab” (dammit… that was almost some more weight-gaining humor, but it didn’t quite get there).

The Show Must Go On. Make a firm commitment to watching four to five hours of television per night. And if you’ve DVR’d your favorite shows, don’t whiz through the commercials; just sit there and watch every minute.

Get Busy and Get Fizzy. Colas are an excellent source of quick, empty calories. Try to work in six or seven per day and you’ll easy surpass your daily caloric goals.

Looking for a Few Good Menus. Take a tip from me: eat out most meals and you’ll make sure you’re getting the fat, sugar and sodium you need to expand your waistline.

Be Primarily Sedentary. A sedentary lifestyle is absolutely necessary in order for you to reach your weight-gaining mission. Find small ways – park in handicapped spaces, drive the little cart at the store, take the elevator – to avoid unnecessary exercise. It's a little less work, but it's worth it!

Be Possessed with Processed. Processed foods are a key component to keeping the weight you’ve got and adding to it. Shop in the middle of the store for all the mixes and convenience foods that will help you gain without pain.

That's Why God Made Cupholders. If you’re serious about packing on pounds, you need to find extra time during the day to get in some unhealthy snacks. Texting while driving? Dangerous. Eating while driving? Delicious!

Thanks a Latte. Starbucks and other coffee-making chains have engineered innovative ways to pack tons of calories into perfectly innocent-looking drinks. They’re expensive… but if you want to gain weight, these babies are better than your run-of-the-mill snacks.

That’s it! Follow these tips and you’ll be tipping the scale even heavier in no time at all.

Of course, if you’d rather lose 60 pounds in six months, just do the opposite of all this…