Tips for Cooking with Kids

•  It’s a good idea to let your child plan dinner one night, but I hope you like “S’more Casserole”.

• There’s a fine line between teaching a child how to follow a recipe and handing him a cookbook and saying "If you need me, I'll be at the movies."

• For safety purposes, only let child use Nerf® knife.

• Making a soufflé will teach your kid an important life lesson: nothing you do will ever turn out right.

• It’s an ideal opportunity to teach children about different spices and which ones (marjoram, cilantro) are poisonous.

• Don’t worry about making a mess in the kitchen; that’s why you hired a maid, silly.

• Praise them for the effort, even if the final result isn’t perfect: “You did a great job kneading that bread, but next time try not to pick your nose so much while you’re doing it.”

• Learning to cook is also about developing life skills, so take your children to the grocery store to help shoplift the ingredients you’ll need.

• It’s fun to teach kids things they don’t know about cooking, such as “Baking powder and baking soda are the same exact thing.”

• A child’s laughter is one of God’s greatest gifts, so show ‘em that trick where you break an egg with one hand.

• It's like the old saying goes, "Give a child a fish stick and he eats for a day, teach him to fish stick and he eats for a lifetime."

• Following a recipe can teach a child important math skills, such as “guesstimation.”

• It’s a chance to learn about the world’s cultures, foreign languages and geography; for example, if you make a box of Kraft® macaroni-and-cheese, you can talk about how it’s from the “United States” which is located in “America.”

• Finally get to crack line: “Hey, I made you… it’s high time you made something for me!”

How to Make Kids Eat More Healthy

• Corn dogs aren’t very nutritious, but do you know what is? A dog made out of corn!

• Trick children into eating bananas by showing them how much your pet monkey enjoys eating them.

• Instead of chocolate milk, give them regular milk with brown food coloring.

• Some breakfast cereals, such as SugarBombs, have quite a bit of sugar.

• Never give an infant a baby bottle full of Mountain Dew; make it half Mountain Dew, half tap water.

• Get kids interested in gardening; after ten hours of working in the fields, they’ll be hungry enough to eat anything.

• Chop vegetables up into microscopic pieces and hide them in something they like, such as pudding.

• Let kids help in the kitchen. Hell… make kids cook dinner while you watch some TV.

• Spongebok Choypants.

• Kids learn from their parents, so it might help if you ate something besides macaroni-and-cheese three times a day.

• Tastes are developed even before your child is born, so try rubbing cottage cheese and English peas all over your belly.

• Trick kids into eating more veggies by smothering them with candy gravy.

• Next time your child says “I don’t like this,” try a little something like this: “Well, how would you like me to wear your ass out with my belt?” (That’s a tip from my father Horace, by the way).

• Give your children a Ring Pop every time they eat a bite of something healthy.

• Cut healthy food into fun shapes. No, not a trapezoid, for Pete’s sake! Sometimes I think you’re not even trying…

• Kids are smarter than we give them credit for; don’t tell them that broccoli gives them magic powers unless you can back that claim up.

• Tell your child the story of “The Little Boy Who Died From Not Eating Enough Veggies.”

• If nothing works, try getting some new kids.