The Pig

The Pig

by Ogden Nash

The pig, if I am not mistaken,

Supplies us sausage, ham, and bacon.

Let others say his heart is big --

I call it stupid of the pig.

A passel of very intelligent pigs can be found in my eBay shop and my etsy shop.

Witchella and the Three Flying Pigs

Once upon a time, there was a little witch named Witchella. 

She liked to go exploring, so one day she took her training broom for a ride in the forest. There, she came upon a house. She knocked and, when no one answered, she walked right in.  Little did she know it was the house of the Teenage Flying Pigs. 

At the table in the kitchen, there were three bowls of spaghetti-os.  Witchella was hungry.  She was always hungry.  She tasted the spaghetti-os from the first bowl.

"These spaghetti-os are too hot!" she exclaimed.

Next she tasted the spaghetti-os from the second bowl.

"These spaghetti-os are too cold," she grumbled.

Finally, she tasted the last bowl of spaghetti-os.

"Ahhh! These spaghetti-os are just right," she said happily and she ate them all up.

After she'd eaten the three flying pigs' spaghetti-os, she decided she was feeling a little tired.  She walked into the living room where she saw three chairs.  Witchella  sat down in the first chair.

"This chair is too big!" she said.

She sat down in the second chair.  "This chair is too big, too!" she muttered.

So she tried the last and smallest chair.

"Ahhh, this chair is just right," she sighed. But just as she settled down into the chair to rest, it broke into pieces!

Witchella was very tired by this time, so she went upstairs to the bedroom. She lay down in the first bed, but it was too hard. She curled up on second bed, but it was too soft.  When she laid on the third bed, she found that it was just right... and fell fast asleep. 

While she was sleeping, the three flying pigs came home. 

"Someone's been eating my spaghetti-os," complained the the first Flying Pig.

"Someone's been eating my spaghetti-os," added the second Flying Pig.

"Someone's been eating my spaghetti-os and they ate them all up!" wailed the youngest Flying Pig.

"Someone's been sitting in my chair," grumbled the first Flying Pig.

"Someone's been sitting in my chair," muttered the second Flying Pig.

"Someone's been sitting in my chair and they broke it all to pieces," howled the youngest Flying Pig.

They decided to look around some more.  When they reached the bedroom, the first Flying Pig bear noticed, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed!"

"Someone's been sleeping in my bed, too" said the second Flying Pig.

"Someone's been sleeping in my bed and there she is!" shouted the youngest Flying Pig.

Just then, Witchella woke up and saw the three pigs. She jumped up, and ran out of the room.  

Witchella ran down the stairs, opened the door, and took off on her broom.  She never again returned to the home of the three Flying Pigs... which was fine with them.  They invited the wolves back and they all played Playstation and ate Cheetohs until dawn.

Flying pigs galore here and here.  (You'll find some witches, too.)

The Return of the Two Teenage Flying Pigs

by Cornerstoregoddess

Once upon a time there were two teenage flying pigs.  When June came and school was out for the summer, and their parents suggested they get summer jobs and start being more independent, they packed their PlayStation and their Wii and left their parents' sturdy boring brick home to see the wide wonderful exciting world. 

All that summer they roamed the woods, playing paintball games and having fun.  None were happier or more carefree than the two teenage flying pigs.  They made friends everywhere they went, crashed on new acquaintances' couches, and played video games with their new buddies.  But as summer days grew shorter and fall approached, all their new friends were heading back to school and preparing for the year ahead.  The two teenage flying pigs wanted nothing to do with all that, and continued to roam the woods.

There were no more couches to crash on or free meals, and the teenage pigs finally realized that they needed a real home.  Unwilling to return to their parents' home, they agreed that they needed to get jobs, perhaps being phone psychics,  or they would be left out in the cold rain with no roof over their heads. They talked about what they should do, but, as usual could not agree on a plan.  The youngest teenage pig said he would build a house of straw and run his business there.  It would take no time at all, and then he'd be free to watch DVDs and eat cheetohs between calls.  

 His brother, who was by no means a wise and responsible flying pig himself, told his younger brother, "A house of straw will blow right over in the wind."  But the younger pig had made up his mind, and headed to a nearby farm to "borrow" some straw.  His house was done in a day.  When his parents came by to visit, his father shook his head and warned that such a house would never withstand the rain and wind and snow.  Moreover, it would not protect him from a wolf attack.  The young pig, as usual, blew off his father's warning, borrowed some cash to see him until his next payday, and went back to his DVDs.

The older brother, only slightly more sensible than his sibling, headed to a construction site to "borrow" some wood.  His job was harder than that of his brother.  It took several days to nail together a ramshackle shack, but at last he was done and ready to spend the winter watching DVDs and eating ramen and making psychic predictions.  

His parents came to visit and again the father warned his offspring that such a house, while it might protect him from light winds and drizzle, was not strong enough to withstand the winter, or a dreaded wolf attack.  The older pig brother, however, ignored his father's warning, borrowed some cash to see him until his next payday, and went back to his Grand Theft Auto 3.

 The days went by.  Father and Mother Pig returned home and spent their weekends adding weatherstripping to their brick house, insulating their attic, and securing their hot water heater to the wall.  They lamented the fact that their sons were not the sharpest knives in the drawer, but secretly they enjoyed the quiet and neatness that had descended on their home.  They cooked healthy vegetarian meals, watched classic films at night, and explored California cabernets.

The days went by and the older brother visited his younger brother.  They were happy to see each other and relaxed on the couch to play some video games when a storm started brewing.  The winds kicked up and the rain fell down... right through the roof.  Then the walls blew away and the brothers and their cheetohs were soaked and soggy.  "Quick!" said the older brother.  "Grab the PlayStation and let's go to my place."

Through the wind and rain they ran until they came to the wooden house.  They hurried in the door, set up the PlayStation, and picked up where they left off.  Outside the wind howled and the rains pounded but they were safe inside with their ramen and games.  

Until they heard a knock on the door.

"Dude!  It's open!" shouted the older brother.

And who should walk in the door but a great big wolf.  He said, "You've gotta help me!  There's a crazy lady out there doing aerial shooting of wolves and the forest isn't safe anymore!"

"I guess you can crash with us," said the older pig brother.  "But you'll have to help out with dishes and food and stuff."

"No problem," said the wolf.  "Just hang on while I get my old lady and the kids."

He left and soon he returned with his mate and four pups, all of whom leapt on the couch.   Soon they were all playing with the Wii and tossing ramen into each others' mouths.  But when the pigs were ready to turn in for the night, the wolves were still partying.  There was no place to sleep, and the noise level was louder than a rock concert on a summer night.

What's more, the wolves were (you should pardon the expression) real pigs, and there were bunny carcasses all over the floor.  Finally the pigs had had it.  They packed their ramen and cheetohs and Wii (leaving the PlayStation for the wolf pups) and flew home to their parents, where they (if not their parents) lived happily ever after.

The wolves lived happily ever after, too.  Because, if you're a wolf, you really don't need a house of brick.  (But a PlayStation helps.)

Pigs and wolves can be found  here and here.

The Disenfranchised Piglet

Once upon a time, a little pig was born.  His name was Gary.  He was beautifully green, and he had  a perfect set of wings.  In fact, he was the most perfect pig his mother had ever seen.  But the little pig looked around the pigpen, and saw that he was not like the other pigs.

They were pink and roly poly and definitely wingless.  He tried playing with them, but when he started to fly during a heated game of catch, the other piglets called "Foul!"  And when he hid in the grass during and Hide-and-Go-Seek, completely camouflaged by the vegetation, the other pigs were irate, and said he was cheating.

Gary excelled at jump rope, but the other piglets felt that, with wings, he had an unfair advantage, and refused to play jump rope with Gary any more.

Gary was heartbroken.  And so, that night, he spread his wings (literally), left the barnyard, and went to find his way in the world.  He traveled far and wide, and saw many pigs.  In Vietnam, he met a pot-bellied pig named Tran.

Tran was in training for the Vietnamese Pot-Bellied Pig sumo competition, and taught Gary the fundamentals: how to push and how to knock down.  Gary and Tran had a lot of fun practicing.  They became good friends, and shared many a bowl of Pho.  But finally it was time for Gary to take to the skies, and find more of his porcine family.

In Central Europe he met Gregor.  Gregor was a Mangalitsa pig.  His relatives were wild boars.

At night, Gregor and Gary would go out together and hang out at other Mangalisita pig  troughs, telling pig jokes and tossing back buckets of slop.  They all took Gary in like he was family, and especially liked the fact that Gary could act as look-out, saving them from embarrassing curfew violations.

Next, Gary flew to Africa, for he heard there were some unusual pigs there.  He hope and hoped that he would find pigs like himself.  And while they weren't green or winged, the warthogs were a friendly bunch and welcomed Gary with open tusks.  One, named Ashon, was the 7th born warthog in his family, and had much to share with Gary.

Ashon tried to teach Gary to dig with his tusks, but Gary was rather tusk-less.  He tried to teach them Ashon fly, but Ashon and the warthogs were rather wing-less.  Still, they had a good time, sang many verses of "Hakuna matata", and enjoyed doing windsprints with their new green friend.  They even served Gary a fine farewell dinner of yams when he decided he needed to continue his quest.

Gary left Africa.  He flew and flew, always on the lookout for pigs like him.  Finally he spotted a sparkly corner of the world.  There were shiny things there ~ things that shimmered in the sunlight.

Gary came in for a landing.  When he read the signs, he realized he had arrived in the Land of BrightandShinyThings.

He sat down and looked around.  Soon he realized that there were other creatures looking out at him.  Quietly they tiptoed out from behind rocks and shrubs, to get a better look at Gary.

They were Flying Pigs!  Flying pigs of every color and description!  They were everywhere, hovering and fluttering and landing and zooming and varooming around.  They were all as thrilled to see Gary as Gary was to see them.

They played and flew and did loop-de-loops and ate at a sparkly trough.  At night they slept together beneath twinkling stars.  And in the morning, they spread their wings and all followed Gary home to meet his mother, because she had missed Gary very much.

The other pigs were pretty happy to see Gary again, too.  Hide-and-Go-Seek was too easy without him, and no one could jump rope like Gary.

When they are not in the Land of BrightandShinyThings, or with Gary's mother, Gary and his friends can be found both on eBay and on etsy.

It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's SuperPig!

Faster than a speeding pullet.
More powerful than a mule on Wheaties.
Able to leap tall pigpens in a single bound.

Look! Up in the sky!
It's a bird. It's a plane. It's SuperPig!

Yes, it's SuperPig - porcine visitor from another planet who came to Earth with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal pigs. SuperPig - who can change the course of mighty feed troughs, bend picket fences with his bare hands, and who, disguised as Fred Bacon, mild mannered pinch hitter for a great metropolitan farm team, fights the never ending battle for Truth, Justice and the American Way.

  SuperPig is available here and here.

When Pigs Fly

by Kenn Nesbitt 

I've heard it said that pigs will fly
and someday soon they'll rule the sky.
That may sound strange but, if it's right,
I don't suppose they'll fly a kite.
I'll bet, instead, they'll have to train
so they can learn to fly a plane,
or join the Navy where they'll get
to learn to fly a fighter jet. 

Or maybe they'll grow piggy wings,
or put on shoes with giant springs,
or fly in huge hot-air balloons,
or seaplanes with those big pontoons,
or biplanes like a flying ace,
or shuttles into outer space,
or rocket ships for trips to Mars,
or flying saucers to the stars. 

However pigs decide to fly,
as long as they are way up high
and busy buzzing all around
instead of grunting on the ground,
I think it's safe to say I'll love
to see them soaring up above.
I'm sure I won't be shocked or shaken.
Still, I'll prob'ly miss the bacon.

Flying pigs here and here.