The Pig

The Pig

by Ogden Nash

The pig, if I am not mistaken,

Supplies us sausage, ham, and bacon.

Let others say his heart is big --

I call it stupid of the pig.

A passel of very intelligent pigs can be found in my eBay shop and my etsy shop.

Warm Beaded Snow

"Winter Morning Poem" 

by Ogden Nash

Winter is the king of showmen
Turning tree stumps into snow men

 

And houses into birthday cakes
And spreading sugar over lakes

 

Smooth and clean and frosty white
The world looks good enough to bite

 

That's the season to be young
Catching snowflakes on your tongue

 

Snow is snowy when it's snowing
I'm sorry it's slushy when it's going

 

Warm beaded snow is available here.

Wanted: Wet Dogs

by Ogden Nash

The truth I do not stretch or shove
When I state that the dog is full of love.

 

I've also found, by actual test,
A wet dog is the lovingest.

 

Get your wet dogs right here.

 

The Elephant

by Ogden Nash

Elephants are useful friends,
Equipped with handles at both ends, 

They have a wrinkled moth proof hide,
Their teeth are upside down, outside, 

If you think the elephant preposterous,
You’ve probably never seen a rhinosterous.

Elephants (and rhinosterouses) here and here.

Guppies... Who Rarely Chat with Bats

Guppies

by Ogden Nash

Whales have calves,
Cats have kittens,
Bears have cubs,
Bats have bittens,
Swans have cygnets,
Seals have puppies,
But guppies just have little guppies. 

 Lots of bittens here.

Oh, Myth! Yeth?

THE MERMAID

by Ogden Nash

Say not the mermaid is a myth,

I knew one once named Mrs. Smith.

She stood while playing cards or knitting;

Mermaids are not equipped for sitting.

Mermaids are not sitting here.

To Ogden Nash's Valentine

To My Valentine

by Ogden Nash

More than a catbird hates a cat,
Or a criminal hates a clue,
Or the Axis hates the United States,
That's how much I love you.



I love you more than a duck can swim,
And more than a grapefruit squirts,
I love you more than a gin rummy is a bore,
And more than a toothache hurts.



As a shipwrecked sailor hates the sea,
Or a juggler hates a shove,
As a hostess detests unexpected guests,
That's how much you I love.



I love you more than a wasp can sting,
And more than the subway jerks,
I love you as much as a beggar needs a crutch,
And more than a hangnail irks.



I swear to you by the stars above,
And below, if such there be,
As the High Court loathes perjurious oathes,
That's how you're loved by me.



Brightandshinythings with heart here.

A Visit from Jabez Dawes

The Boy Who Laughed at Santa Claus
by Ogden Nash  



In Baltimore there lived a boy.
He wasn't anybody's joy.
Although his name was Jabez Dawes,
His character was full of flaws.




In school he never led his classes, He hid old ladies' reading glasses,
His mouth was open when he chewed,
And elbows to the table glued.
He stole the milk of hungry kittens,
And walked through doors marked NO ADMITTANCE.
He said he acted thus because
There wasn't any Santa Claus.

Another trick that tickled Jabez
Was crying 'Boo' at little babies.
He brushed his teeth, they said in town,
Sideways instead of up and down.
Yet people pardoned every sin,
And viewed his antics with a grin,
Till they were told by Jabez Dawes,
'There isn't any Santa Claus!'

Deploring how he did behave,
His parents swiftly sought their grave.
They hurried through the portals pearly,
And Jabez left the funeral early.

Like whooping cough, from child to child,
He sped to spread the rumor wild:
'Sure as my name is Jabez Dawes
There isn't any Santa Claus!'
Slunk like a weasel of a marten
Through nursery and kindergarten,
Whispering low to every tot,

'There isn't any, no there's not!'

The children wept all Christmas eve
And Jabez chortled up his sleeve.
No infant dared hang up his stocking
For fear of Jabez' ribald mocking.



He sprawled on his untidy bed,
Fresh malice dancing in his head,
When presently with scalp-a-tingling,
Jabez heard a distant jingling;
He heard the crunch of sleigh and hoof
Crisply alighting on the roof.




What good to rise and bar the door?
A shower of soot was on the floor.



What was beheld by Jabez Dawes?
The fireplace full of Santa Claus!
Then Jabez fell upon his knees
With cries of 'Don't,' and 'Pretty Please.'
He howled, 'I don't know where you read it,
But anyhow, I never said it!'




'Jabez' replied the angry saint,
'It isn't I, it's you that ain't.
Although there is a Santa Claus,
There isn't any Jabez Dawes!'



Said Jabez then with impudent vim,
'Oh, yes there is, and I am him!
Your magic don't scare me, it doesn't'
And suddenly he found he wasn't!




From grimy feet to grimy locks,
Jabez became a Jack-in-the-box,
An ugly toy with springs unsprung,
Forever sticking out his tongue.



The neighbors heard his mournful squeal;
They searched for him, but not with zeal.




No trace was found of Jabez Dawes,
Which led to thunderous applause,
And people drank a loving cup
And went and hung their stockings up.



All you who sneer at Santa Claus,
Beware the fate of Jabez Dawes,
The saucy boy who mocked the saint.
Donner and Blitzen licked off his paint.




Ornaments are here and here. 
Guaranteed to bring you cheer.

The Fertile Turtle

The Turtle 




by Ogden Nash   




The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks
Which practically conceal its sex.
I think it clever of the turtle
In such a fix to be so fertile.



Plenty of turtles right here.