Wednesday, December 8, 2010

You'll Thank Me Later

  • I slip an Odor-Eater insole inside your sub sandwich

  • Every time you’re at a drive-thru window, I text you calorie counts of everything you order

  • Every time you buy something out of a vending machine, I run over your foot while scooting along on a Segway

  • Every time you eat a Christmas cookie, I snip the tail off a puppy

  • For every glass of wine you drink, I make a donation in your name to an organization that goes around and slaps homeless people

  • I fix your TV so that every time you eat in front of it, all it will show is old reruns of “Matlock”

  • Whenever you order dessert at a restaurant, I pour itching powder in your underwear drawer

  • Whenever you skip a workout, I “sext” your daughter

     
  • When you stay up late goofing off on computer instead of getting a good night’s sleep, I send you a virus that changes your screensaver into a snapshot from my last colonoscopy

  • Every time you salt your food without tasting it first, I hack your Facebook account and send friend requests to 100 prison inmates

  • Whenever you eat a candy bar, I clean my ears with your toothbrush

  • For every Christmas cookie you eat, I sign you up for a magazine subscription and check “Bill Me Later”

  • Every time you stop by a Starbucks, I’ll arrange it that you drastically overpay for a cup of coffee



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