- I slip an Odor-Eater insole inside your sub sandwich
- Every time you’re at a drive-thru window, I text you calorie counts of everything you order
- Every time you buy something out of a vending machine, I run over your foot while scooting along on a Segway
- Every time you eat a Christmas cookie, I snip the tail off a puppy
- For every glass of wine you drink, I make a donation in your name to an organization that goes around and slaps homeless people
- I fix your TV so that every time you eat in front of it, all it will show is old reruns of “Matlock”
- Whenever you order dessert at a restaurant, I pour itching powder in your underwear drawer
- Whenever you skip a workout, I “sext” your daughter
- When you stay up late goofing off on computer instead of getting a good night’s sleep, I send you a virus that changes your screensaver into a snapshot from my last colonoscopy
- Every time you salt your food without tasting it first, I hack your Facebook account and send friend requests to 100 prison inmates
- Whenever you eat a candy bar, I clean my ears with your toothbrush
- For every Christmas cookie you eat, I sign you up for a magazine subscription and check “Bill Me Later”
- Every time you stop by a Starbucks, I’ll arrange it that you drastically overpay for a cup of coffee
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Wednesday, December 8, 2010
You'll Thank Me Later
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