Tricks to Help You Eat Less

• Eat off a smaller plate, using even smaller utensils, at a minuscule table inside a tiny house.
• Treat yourself to a Hershey's kiss every time you eat 100 celery stalks.
• Always take the first spoonful of yogurt and fling it at your child - (1) over time the calories will really add up and (2) the kid probably did something to deserve it.
• Every time you have a craving for something sweet, slam your finger in the car door.
• When you go out to eat, ask your waitress to bring half of your entree out as an appetizer, serve half as your main course and box up the remaining half for you to have as lunch tomorrow.
• You don't have to finish off that bottle of wine tonight; you can stick it in the fridge and it'll keep at least one more day.
• There's a simple way to tell if your serving size is too large:  it's ALWAYS too large.
• Drink a big glass of water before your meal and then a big glass of water instead of your meal.
• Ask your waiter: "What's your least popular dish?"
• When you're in the drive-thru at a fast-food joint, ask yourself “What the hell am I doing in the drive-thru at a fast-food joint?”
• Yes, it's a sin to waste food but I believe “gluttony” is on the big board as well.
• Chew each bite 20 times (or at least 2).
• There's one guaranteed way to make you eat less:  let me cook for you.

How to Kill a Craving

• They say that increasing your protein intake can take the edge off your hunger, so try eating a yak.
 
• Remove temptations such as every lick of food in your house.

• Replace sweets and sugar with fruit, and then replace the fruit with imaginary fruit.

• Improve your diet overall, and while you’re at it, why don't you go ahead and get a better job and move into a nicer house?
 
• If you have a sweet tooth, see your dentist about having it removed.

• Remember this old saying: “Eat better foods, and better foods will eat you.” Waitaminute… that’s stupid. And now you've probably have already remembered it!

• Standing in front of a mirror and reciting positive affirmations is a good way of cracking yourself up and – at least for a moment – forgeting about your overwhelming hunger pangs.

• Drink a big glass of water, then a bigger glass of water and then an even bigger glass of water.

• Find your motivation. What that means is pretend you’re an actor or actress playing yourself in a movie and the script calls for you not to have a craving. Now ready, and… ACTION!

• Recognize “trigger” foods and shoot anyone who brings them into your home with a “gun”.
 
• Reward yourself every time you say “no” to your cravings by giving yourself $1,000.
 
• Keeping busy can help you overcome temptation – so why don't you come over and clean up my house?

• Spray a can of Raid® Ant & Roach Killer all over that batch of delicious cupcakes.

• A trained hypnotist can assist you into making positive subconscious thoughts and help subdue cravings; but keep in mind that he can also make you hop on one foot and cluck like a chicken.

• Print out this list, wad it up and eat it.

More Things That Will Get You Kicked Out of a WW Meeting

• Coming in with your Jenny Craig posse and trying to start a rumble

• Attempting to bribe scale operator with freshly baked cookies

• Insisting that bottle caps and string be accepted as payment

• Selling bootleg WW charms out of the trunk of your Trans Am in the parking lot

• Trimming your toenails during meeting

• Threatening the scale lady to give you a good weigh-in or you’ll key up her car

• Loudly eating a dozen candy apples during meeting

• Taking a dump on the scale if it shows a gain

• Standing on a chair and screaming “Me so hungry!” over and over and over and over

• Trying to get in free my wearing your mask of David Kirchhoff, President and CEO of Weight Watchers International

• Wearing your candy thong and fruit leather chaps

• Non-stop riverdancing on scale while they’re trying to weigh you in

• Loudly insisting that your weight be written in invisible ink

• Parking in the meeting room

• Paying with a VISA card you just stole from another member