Tricks to Help You Eat Less

• Eat off a smaller plate, using even smaller utensils, at a minuscule table inside a tiny house.
• Treat yourself to a Hershey's kiss every time you eat 100 celery stalks.
• Always take the first spoonful of yogurt and fling it at your child - (1) over time the calories will really add up and (2) the kid probably did something to deserve it.
• Every time you have a craving for something sweet, slam your finger in the car door.
• When you go out to eat, ask your waitress to bring half of your entree out as an appetizer, serve half as your main course and box up the remaining half for you to have as lunch tomorrow.
• You don't have to finish off that bottle of wine tonight; you can stick it in the fridge and it'll keep at least one more day.
• There's a simple way to tell if your serving size is too large:  it's ALWAYS too large.
• Drink a big glass of water before your meal and then a big glass of water instead of your meal.
• Ask your waiter: "What's your least popular dish?"
• When you're in the drive-thru at a fast-food joint, ask yourself “What the hell am I doing in the drive-thru at a fast-food joint?”
• Yes, it's a sin to waste food but I believe “gluttony” is on the big board as well.
• Chew each bite 20 times (or at least 2).
• There's one guaranteed way to make you eat less:  let me cook for you.

How to Kill a Craving

• They say that increasing your protein intake can take the edge off your hunger, so try eating a yak.
 
• Remove temptations such as every lick of food in your house.

• Replace sweets and sugar with fruit, and then replace the fruit with imaginary fruit.

• Improve your diet overall, and while you’re at it, why don't you go ahead and get a better job and move into a nicer house?
 
• If you have a sweet tooth, see your dentist about having it removed.

• Remember this old saying: “Eat better foods, and better foods will eat you.” Waitaminute… that’s stupid. And now you've probably have already remembered it!

• Standing in front of a mirror and reciting positive affirmations is a good way of cracking yourself up and – at least for a moment – forgeting about your overwhelming hunger pangs.

• Drink a big glass of water, then a bigger glass of water and then an even bigger glass of water.

• Find your motivation. What that means is pretend you’re an actor or actress playing yourself in a movie and the script calls for you not to have a craving. Now ready, and… ACTION!

• Recognize “trigger” foods and shoot anyone who brings them into your home with a “gun”.
 
• Reward yourself every time you say “no” to your cravings by giving yourself $1,000.
 
• Keeping busy can help you overcome temptation – so why don't you come over and clean up my house?

• Spray a can of Raid® Ant & Roach Killer all over that batch of delicious cupcakes.

• A trained hypnotist can assist you into making positive subconscious thoughts and help subdue cravings; but keep in mind that he can also make you hop on one foot and cluck like a chicken.

• Print out this list, wad it up and eat it.

More Things That Will Get You Kicked Out of a WW Meeting

• Coming in with your Jenny Craig posse and trying to start a rumble

• Attempting to bribe scale operator with freshly baked cookies

• Insisting that bottle caps and string be accepted as payment

• Selling bootleg WW charms out of the trunk of your Trans Am in the parking lot

• Trimming your toenails during meeting

• Threatening the scale lady to give you a good weigh-in or you’ll key up her car

• Loudly eating a dozen candy apples during meeting

• Taking a dump on the scale if it shows a gain

• Standing on a chair and screaming “Me so hungry!” over and over and over and over

• Trying to get in free my wearing your mask of David Kirchhoff, President and CEO of Weight Watchers International

• Wearing your candy thong and fruit leather chaps

• Non-stop riverdancing on scale while they’re trying to weigh you in

• Loudly insisting that your weight be written in invisible ink

• Parking in the meeting room

• Paying with a VISA card you just stole from another member

Bodfather: Here Comes the Judging

Subject #2 in the "Bodfather" 


Witness Reduction Program: Laurie

Height: 5'6"
Starting weight: 240  
Current weight: 228 

Total Loss: 12 lbs.


They call me the Bodfather. There are many things my father Horace taught me here in this room. He taught me: keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer and keep your friends who you're trying to help with their weight-loss journey even closerer.

Hey Jack,

After a week of crappy eating, with bright moments of health, and struggling to get any activity in with a bum knee, I am feeling much better. Oh, I expect a gain this week. But I got way more out of this week than just a pound or two, I got knowledge. I got schooled in all the ways my plans will not work and what I have to do to make this weight loss thing doable for my schedule.  

I was completely unprepared for the amount of food that would be around the office. I have never worked in an office situation before. I spent years working in labs where the holidays were acknowledged, but no luncheons, no candy, no crap around the offices.  Over the last 2 weeks, we have had multiple clients and people in the community drop cakes, pies, candy, and other assorted fat making dishes.  It culminated in yesterday. 

Yesterday, I almost cried at my desk. I walk in and on my desk are two big boxes of Godiva chocolates and three gift bags full of homemade goodies (fudge, peanut brittle, pralines, fruit cake cookies, etc). I thanked everyone, had a few things because it was so overwhelming, packed everything up and took it home (I probably should have just thrown it all in a dumpster). My husband (home for the weekend) and I just stared at it all. And then I packed it up again and there it sits, like an evil demon on the counter waiting to suck me into its depths. All of it is going somewhere other than my house. I don't care where, just out. Having it there broke me for a bit. I spent too much time agonizing over whether I could actually lose weight. My emotional interactions with food has really surprised me.

So now, my skin is looking somewhat sallow (I haven't gotten much sleep in the last 4 days because we have a horrible deadline that is killing us, but Thursday of next week, it will be over) from too much sugar and fat.

And I realize that people around me are going to make the whole thing harder and I have to be better prepared for that.  People in this office know I am losing weight and watching what I eat.  And still yesterday happened.  I feel like yelling at them, but I can't because I know in their minds they are being kind.  And I am going to have many sessions where sleep is a luxury I can't afford to indulge in too much.  And eating at the office during between and around meetings and deadlines is going to have to be planned for in much more detail.

Progress can be measured in other than pounds.  Progress can be made in learning what works and what doesn't and implementing accordingly.
 

1. Planning is key to getting through any situation.  But planning must be backed up with the resources available.  For instance, keeping food in the freezer for emergencies is fine as long as the food doesn't suck.  Keep with only tried and true stuff.
2. People are kind hearted evil things.  Take the goodies, walk to the dumpster and toss. 
3. Activity is a bitch to get in when chained to a desk.  I will have to plan around it and stick to the plan. Walking for more than 5-10 minutes during the day is unrealistic.  But a 5 minute walk multiple times a day isn't.

So Jack, you can yell at me for being weak around the food, I deserve it. But it was an amazing learning experience. And this year, instead of greeting the New Year hating myself for being fat, etc., I greet the New Year with an open heart, having learned that EVERY situation teaches me how to do this whole weight loss thing better, if I pay attention. That's a very powerful feeling.

Oh, and beginning Saturday, I start a detox. I gotta get the sugar out of my system. Veggies, fruits, whole grains, lean meats. No sugar!!!

Hope you are having a wonderful holidays and hope everyone is healthy.

Laurie

Hey Laurie,

Well Laurie, I'd like to yell at you but it seems like your own body is beating you up enough. I've lived through (and continue to live through) the break room full of goodies and the sugary presents from well-meaning nitwits. It's easy enough to get through it provided that you don't try to half-ass it... this is truly a situation where you can't have your cake and eat it too.

If you truly are on board going forward, then I'd say it's a one step backward, two steps forward kind of deal. And truthfully Laurie, you're either going to do this now or you're just not. I'd like to think that I can push and cajole folks to be passionate about this business, but at the end of the day it's all on you. You can decide that this is going to be a top priority for you or you can shrug it off and things will simply stay the same.



I hope you'll use the knowledge you've gained as a launching pad to something extraordinary, but I guess we'll just have to wait and see...

Hope you and your family have a nice holiday.

Jack


Obligatory lawyer joke:

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. 



“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $700,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?” 



Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um ... no.”

The lawyer interrupts, “or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. 



“Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea...” 



On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”

Sh*tty Sh*tty Pop Chip (with Givewaway!)

Sh*tJactacus: 

Don’t put your lips on some greasy-ass chips,
Don’t eat those Ruffles or Cheetos.
If you seek a better snack, listen to your buddy Jack,
And put aside the Pringles and Fritos.
A mouth full of crunch.
Something excellent to munch.
Enjoy it with your lunch!


Pop Chips!

Pop Chips!
The chips that aren’t fried, best you ever tried.

Pop Chips!

Pop Chips!
The eatable, tweetable chips!



Truly Scrumptious: 

Pop Chips!

Pop Chips!
Their fantastic chips, see, all tasty and crispy!
Pop Chips!

Pop Chips!
No longer need chips be crap!



Sh*tJactacus:

 Don't waste your salaries on chips fulla calories

.

Truly: 

So be smart and try to always copy us!
If you seek perfection in your snack selection,



Sh*tJactacus: 

Well, choose the chips that are the poppiest!



Truly:
That mouth full of sassiness.

Sh*tJactacus:
The chip that brings happiness.



Both: 

That low-fat foodstuff supreme!

Pop Chips!

Pop Chips!
A nice crispy crackle, ingredients all-natural.
Pop Chips!

Pop Chips!
I think I’ll eat a whole sackful.



Mr. Scrumptious: 

No--take them away!



Truly: 
Father, please!

Mr. Scrumptious: 
Crunch! Hmm-Hmm. Crunch!

Sh*tJactacus:
He likes it!



Cast: 
Hooray!



Sh*tJactacus: 

They’ll ease your starvation

.

Truly: 

Without fat saturation.



Kids: 

They’re the best kind of chips you can munch

.

Sh*tJactacus:
Eat ‘em Sundays through Saturdays.



Truly: 

They have way less calories!



Kids: 

And flavors? Well, they sure have a bunch!



Sh*tJactacus and Truly: 

There’s no chips that are similar

.

Women: 
We love Salt and Vinegar!



Kids and factory workers: 

It’s time to give them a crunch!

(Dance break)



All: 

Pop Chips!
Pop Chips!

Pop Chips!
Pop Chips!



Sh*tJactacus:

That savory snack

!

Truly: 

Just listen to Jack

!

All: 

And put them into your lunch sack!


Pop Chips!
Pop Chips!
They’re awesome and then some, just comment to win some!
Pop Chips!

Pop Chips!

The treat that's so tweetable (@popchips) 
deliciously eatable,
with that unbeatable crunch!