Ways to Decrease Blog Traffic

Do you ever get that feeling that too many people are visiting your blog? That you’d do a little better without so many prying eyeballs oogling every damn thing you’ve got to say?

Don’t fret; I’m here to help drive down your loyal following. Follow these easy-to-implement steps and your blog will soon be an unpopular as mine…

• Stop using capitalization, punctuation and conjunctions.

• Start every post with “I don’t really have anything to say today…” and then proceed to go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.

• Always refer to your readers as “retards.”

• Include “fat-free” recipes, each of which start off with an entire can of Crisco.

• Cover 95% of your site with advertising.

• Choose beautiful calligraphy font and make sure it’s super-thin and tiny.

• Repeat same post every other day and see how long it takes anyone to notice.

• Hold contest where you give away some of your old underwear.

• Every post in Pig Latin.

• Download widget that makes visitor’s computer freeze up.

• Polka music that can’t be turned off.

• Jack Sh*t guest post.

First Sentences That Will Make Me Keep Reading Your Blog Post

I think the majority of blog readers have the attention span of a gnat. I know that's true for me.

However, it you start your blog post off with a little pizzazz, chances are you'll hold my interest... and that of other readers.

• My first thought when I woke up in the kiddie pool filled with banana pudding was: "Oh my God... where's my tiara?"

• You know what I always say: "The party really doesn''t get started until the police show up," and last night was no exception...

• Entering the hot-dog eating competition was probably a mistake, especially considering all the waffles I had for breakfast.


• What do you say when your boss walks in while you're taking a dump in his desk drawer?

• It was both the first time I met a celebrity and the first time I was groin-punched by a transvestite.

• 
I didn't think when the evening began that I'd be driving home pantsless.
..

• In hindsight, it was probably a bad idea to adopt a baby wolverine, but he was so damn cute!

• 
I was starting to get angry and yelled at my spouse, "Who are you going to believe... me or those security tapes?"

• 
It was kind of embarrassing when, after the homeless dude pulled me out of the way of the oncoming bus, it turned out that I didn't have any spare change on me.

Signs Social Media Is Overtaking Your Life

• You’re the Mayor of Everywhere

• The only book you read is Facebook

• You can tell your entire life story in 140 characters or less

• You have a high tolerance for poking

• You spend a lot of time worrying about being unfollowed and unfriended

• You retweet in your sleep

• You spend more time in a chatroom than in your bedroom

• You fire off 100 tweets before breakfast (including ones about what you’re having for breakfast)

• You get a Google Alert anytime anything happens anywhere

• Your laugh has become an actual LOL

• Your children know that the best way to get in touch with you is to leave a comment on your blog

• You put more thought into your profile pic than you did on what college you attended

• You are :) right now

• You’ve Skyped on the toilet

• You’ve already posted a link to this post

Ways to Make Your Blog More Interesting

• Shower vlogging
  
• Get into a bitch-slapping fight with a celebrity
  
• Institute cash-for-comments program
  
• Make every post title a sexual innuendo
  
• Call Old Man Google and ask him about getting preferential treatment on his computer searching machine
  
• Add a “-Kardashian” to your name
  
• Be provocative to the point that you regularly receive death threats
  
• More kitten pix
  
• Make up inventious words
  
• Put a lot of photos on your site, preferably of better looking people than you
  
• Take bets on every weigh-in
  
• Change up your meds for a week
  
• Leave clues throughout your blog that lead your readers to a magical and wonderful treasure… or some coupons
  
• Overcome all odds and succeed beyond your wildest imagination, then write about how you did it
  
• Accent márks
  
• Stop naming every post “What I Done Did Today”

Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Everything You Ever Wanted to Know

Do not be afraid.

Although I am the Yum Yucky, I will not use up your precious reading time to bitch about that meatloaf cake my husband made.

Nor will I flaunt the impressive anatomy of my double stomachs lined with steel.

As if it weren’t exhilarating enough to have a bloggasm after learning I’ll actually be meeting Jack in person at Fitbloggin ‘11, he invited me onto the land of his precious blog-estate to talk Fit Blogger’s Guide. [insert bloggasmic-induced moans here]

If you haven’t heard of Fit Blogger’s Guide yet, think of it like this: myself and my partner, Ryan (the No More Bacon guy), have been eating up the ins and outs blogging for a few years now. We’ve learned plenty and there’s lots of new stuff hitting our brains cells everyday. So know we’re spewing out our knowledge really pretty like artwork on a canvas to bring you the “how-to” resource for health, fitness and foodie bloggers.

It’s FitBloggersGuide.com! We launch on Monday, 9/20/10.

Whether you’re a hobbyist or budding pro, there is something for everyone, at any level of blogging. We’ll help you reduce the learning curve and give you the information you need to achieve your blogging goals.

Feast on this sampling of topics:

• Making Money
• Blog Security
• News and Trends
• Photography
• Growing Your Blog
• PR Communications
• Video Tutorials
• Social Media
• Tech
• Blog Design
• SEO
• eBooks
• Media Kits
• ...and more!

There will be a BIG-time Grand Opening Giveaway to kick things off. But don’t feel scary… we will not be handing out free coupons for wart remover. This giveaway rocks! It will make your jaw drop and your eyeballs pop out.

Fit Blogger’s Guide also accepts Guest Writer submissions, so if you have health/fitness/foodie blog expertise, we invite you to apply. Follow us on Twitter, @FitBlogGuide, and reach out to us anytime! Our blog door is always open.

Disclaimer: I thank my dear Jack for the multiple bloggasmic pleasures I’ve experienced here today. ka-BOOM!

Jack Sh*tBloggin'

Here’s everything I know about FitBloggin’: ______________________.

However, when I saw that this healthy living conference was accepting applications for speakers, I decided that I’d throw my chapeau into the ring.

Planning is underway and
we’re seeking dynamic speakers like you!

I’m getting a little bit antsy that I haven’t heard back from the FitBloggin’ folks yet. After all, my application was, as the Queen of England might say, “kick-ass”…

Please use the form below to submit your session ideas.

Name:

Jack Sh*t

Blog:

Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit

Area of Expertise? * Certified trainer? Been blogging for over 5 years? Tell us what makes you special.

Online humorist who has become one of the most popular diet/weight loss/healthy living bloggers on the planet (Earth) while losing a tremendous amount (80+ pounds) of weight. I'm also a motivating motivator, innovative innovator and, though very few people know this, somewhat of a celebrity... plus I coined the phrases "hump day," "my bad" and "coin the phrase". I'm also a ventriloquist (except you can see my lips move... how do those other guys keep their lips from moving anyway?)

Sessions/Presentation Idea? * What would you like to present about? Blogging or fitness topics welcome!

• How to Be a More Creative Blogger
• Nude Zumba for Beginners
• Is Pig Latin Right for Your Blog?
• 1,001 Weigh-ins... Scaling the Unscaleable... Um... Scale
• You Know You Love It When I Talk Diet-y
• Maybe You Should Just Give Up...
• If You Think Losing Weight's Impossible, Then You Don't Know This Guy


Co-presenters names and blogs? Are there others you would like to present this topic with?

The girl that was in that movie with that dude from that TV show

Would you session require and special equipment? List anything you would require for your session if anything.

• Supremes-style trio of back-up singers (for intro song)
• Projector (for projecting)
• Roll of absorbent paper towels (for flop sweat)
• FLAMING HOOP OF DEATH (for the finalé)
• One gallon of peanut M&M's with the peanuts removed (I'm allergic)

C'mon, FitBloggin'... I'm waiting for the call!