Ways to Decrease Blog Traffic

Do you ever get that feeling that too many people are visiting your blog? That you’d do a little better without so many prying eyeballs oogling every damn thing you’ve got to say?

Don’t fret; I’m here to help drive down your loyal following. Follow these easy-to-implement steps and your blog will soon be an unpopular as mine…

• Stop using capitalization, punctuation and conjunctions.

• Start every post with “I don’t really have anything to say today…” and then proceed to go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.

• Always refer to your readers as “retards.”

• Include “fat-free” recipes, each of which start off with an entire can of Crisco.

• Cover 95% of your site with advertising.

• Choose beautiful calligraphy font and make sure it’s super-thin and tiny.

• Repeat same post every other day and see how long it takes anyone to notice.

• Hold contest where you give away some of your old underwear.

• Every post in Pig Latin.

• Download widget that makes visitor’s computer freeze up.

• Polka music that can’t be turned off.

• Jack Sh*t guest post.