An Angelic Question

They say that a whole band of angels




Can fit atop one small pin's head.



If that is the case, I just question



How they mend their hems with pins and thread.



Plenty of angels for hems and protection.

Bodfather: A Little Less to Love

Subject #1 in the "Bodfather" 

Witness Reduction Program: Kerensa
First Check-in

Height: 5'7"
Starting weight:  254.8
Current weight: 249.2
Loss: 5.6 lbs.

It’s a dilemma.

Your big day – your wedding day – is there on the horizon.

You’ve got a reception to plan and you have to decide which crazy scripty font to put on your invitation.

And then there’s the matter of a dress.

Kerensa, the first participant in my “Bodfather” program, is scratching her head about when she should choose a wedding gown, given her recent success on the scale.

To those of you just checked in, my role as the Bodfather is to oversee a few selected individuals and give them any assistance I can as they work to lose weight and get more fit. Besides all the email support and encouragement I can muster, I’ve used my connections to hook them up with a free Philips DirectLife activity monitor to help them see how much (or how little) they’re moving during the course of a day.

Kerensa, a college student living in Oklahoma who’s always struggled with her weight, is getting married in June of next year and wants to be slimmer by summer. 

Which brings us back to the gown…

Does she go on and get one now and be mindful that it may have to be altered on account of her shrinking frame?

Does she wait a bit longer and see how this weight-loss business goes over the next few months?

Does she just paint her body white and drag a sheet behind her?

Kerensa is so confused about it that she’s actually asked my advice about the dress. Isn’t it enough that I’m riding shotgun on her weight-loss journey, catering the big event, giving her away at the ceremony and performing a medley of cowboy yodeling hits at the reception?

I’m sure that you’re going to provide her better advice on the wedding dress question than I’ve been able to thus far. I just want her to keep pushing herself, keep making smart choices about food, and keep rocking that scale.

And whatever dress she chooses, I hope it’s something that’s adjustable…



.

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The Purple Picky Kitty Eater

There was a little kitty cat,
No feline could be sweeter.
She purred and did good cat-like things
But was a picky eater.



This cat preferred the types of foods
That came in shades of violet
And when fed foods less purple
She would howl and be un-quiolet.



Blackberries were her entrees
And those 'taters from Peru,
Eggplants, plums and rotkohl
With some boysenberry stew.



Green beans that were purple,
Plummy basil and some taro,
Which she chased with sun-kissed ripened grapes
That she stole from a sparrow.



And then one day it came to pass
(As we all feared it would)
She turned a shade of purple
(Though on her it looked quite good.)



You'll find her on this eyeglass chain
With beads in all her hues.



Just hope she doesn't change her mind
And switch to foods chartreuse.

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Excuses for a Sucky Weigh-In

• 

Blinded by fridge light; accidentally ate a cheesecake
  
  
• 
Stepped on scale left foot first instead of right foot first
  
  
• 
Forgot pre-weigh-in prayer
  
  
• 
Thought I was going to Zumba class but it turned out to be keg party
  
  
• 
Conspiracy at the highest levels of government
  
  
• 
Had gum in my mouth
  
  
• Forgot to exhale when I stepped on scale; lungs were full of heavy, heavy oxygen
  
  
• Don’t understand it; must have had a hundred fat-free brownies this week!
  
  
• 
Went ahead and had all I could eat at all-you-can-eat buffet
  
  
• 
Had Oreo coupon that was about to expire
  
  
• Pissed off voodoo witch-lady down in New Orleans
  
  
• Something in the air
  
  
• Misread recipe; it read “teaspoon” of olive oil and I thought it said “tablefull”
  
  
• Bad luck because I ate a black cat
  
  
• Weighed in the nude, but feel I could have been nuder
  
  
  
  .

All Strung Out

Weekly weigh-in: 218.1
Loss: +2.8
Total loss: -73.8
Emotion: On the rise

Here’s what you have to understand about me:  I’m a yo-yo when it comes to losing/gaining weight. All my life, I’ve lost huge amounts, then turned around and gained huge-er amounts.

Even now, I can feel the pull of history tugging on me, the gravity of old times and old ways. I am absolutely certain that without the anchor of this blog, without the security and support of a community of like-minded weight-loss warriors, I’d have ballooned on up already.

Now… now I can absorb a trip to Chicago, an extended period of inactivity due to my wife’s health problems and Thanks-freakin’-giving and post only a modest gain.

Speaking of my wife, thanks to all of you for the warm wishes, thoughtful prayers and healing vibes you sent Anita’s way last week. She’s doing much better, her vision creeping back a little more each day. We’re not out of the woods yet, but things look pretty positive right now.

And this week, I’m taking my daughter Holly to Baltimore and New York City to look at more artsy-fartsy colleges. I promised my youngest daughter Pisa that she could come with me the next time I went to NYC, but that was when I thought Anita was making the college trips; so I gotta make room in my suitcase to cram a lanky 11-year-old in.

I suspect I’ll overdo it a bit on our trip, but I’m also sure I’ll walk my ass off, and I know I’ll keep my wits about me and not go completely nuts with what I put in my mouth.

I’ve been a yo-yo’er my whole life.

Now I’m ready to cut the string.

Yet Another Look at Hanukkah

In earlier posts, I've described the history of Hanukkah and some Hanukkah traditions, as well as providing the lyrics to Adam Sandler's first Hanukkah song.  Here are the lyrics to his second Hanukkah song, with notes from Wikipedia, and a bookmark and extra verse from me. Enjoy!



Put on your yarmulke,
It's time for Chanukah.
So much funnaka
To celebrate Chanukah.

Chanukah is the festival of lights.
Instead of one day of presents,
We get eight crazy nights.

When you feel like the only kid in town
Without a Christmas tree,
Here's a new list of people who are Jewish,
Just like you and me.

Winona Ryder,
Drinks Manischewitz wine,
Then spins a dreidel
With Ralph Lauren and Calvin Klein,

Guess who gives and receives
Loads of Chanukah toys:
The girls from Veruca Salt
And all three Beastie Boys.

Lenny Kravitz is half Jewish,
Courtney Love is half, too.
Put them together--
What a funky bad ass Jew!

We got Harvey Keitel,
And flash dancer Jennifer Beals.
(This is an error.  Beals says she once wanted to be Jewish, but is not.)
Yasmine Bleeth from Baywatch is Jewish,
And yes, her boobs are real.

Put on that yarmulke,
It's time for Chanukah.
Two- time Ocsar winning Dustin Hoffmanaka
Celebrates Chanukah.

O.J. Simpson?
Still not a Jew.
But guess who is:
The guy who does the voice for Scooby Doo.
(That would be Don Messick.)




Bob Dylan was born a Jew,
Then he wasn't, but now he's back.
Mary Tyler Moore's husband is Jewish
'Cause we're pretty good in the sack.



Guess who got bar-mitzvahed
On the PGA tour:
No, I'm not talking about Tiger Woods.
I'm talkin' about Mr. Happy Gilmore.

So many Jews
Are in the show biz.
Bruce Springsteen isn't Jewish
But my mother thinks he is.

Tell the world-amanaka
It's time to celebrate Chanukah.
It's not pronounced Chanakah
The C is silent in Chanukah.

So read your hooked on phonica,
Get drunk in Tijuanaka
If you really really wannaka
Have a happy happy happy happy Chanukah!

If you want to have funnaka, read books on the runnaka,
Check out this bookmark and then we will be done-aka.


The symbol on it, by the way, is the Chai, which is the Hebrew hai ( חַי) meaning "living."  The Chai is a symbol that figures prominently in jewish culture. It consists of the letters of the Hebrew alphabet Chet (ח) and Yod (י).  The Hebrew word ḥai   חַי "living" is releated to the term for life, (" chaim; hayyim.)  This appears in the slogan "`am yisrael chai!" (עַם יִשְרָאֵל חַי, "The people of Israel live!").  It's also what you hear in the song from "Fiddler on the Roof": To life, to life, l'chaim.  L'chaim, l'chaim, to life..."

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Be Mindful, and Don’t Suffer

Welcome to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday, where I'm not only too lazy to write a new blog post, but also too much of a slacker to even go cut-and-paste something from my archive. Luckily, I've got pals who are a little more industrious than myself, so I call on them to share their own favorite older posts. This week, I shook down Foodie McBody from FoodFoodBodyBody and made her provide one of her own personal favorites. Now I can get back out there and do my holiday shoplifting. Now where's my list...




At least once a week I go someplace where I run into someone I haven’t seen in a few months or more. Since Before. And very often they will say, “HOW did you do this?!?” It’s hard to sum it up in a few words, because it truly is a long story, but I think my “elevator pitch” (code for how to pitch a book, or business proposal to an agent or funder in the time it takes to ride an elevator) would be “By being mindful, and not suffering.”

I know, it’s very Buddhist, right? But truly I think this is what has made All the Difference this time. I started attending a meditation class very soon after my pre-diabetes diagnosis. And the idea of being mindful- of paying attention – made a huge impact on my whole weight loss journey. I decided to really pay attention to everything  – to what I truly wanted to eat, and if eating was what I wanted at all, and how much to eat, and everything. It has been absolutely invaluable.

I loved that this week, in my WW mentoring session, the leader spoke a LOT about “being mindful.” I don’t know if he’s a Buddhist or not, but he did bring it up about 20 times during the meeting, and people were nodding and really getting it. I loved that.

Another big concept in Buddhism is that of Suffering.  I know that I have suffered mightily because of my weight and food issues, throughout my life. I suffered when I felt I was depriving myself of food I wanted, but I also suffered when I ate things for the Wrong Reasons (ie for comfort or distraction). I suffered from guilt and remorse, shame and self hatred. There was a LOT of suffering going on.

It’s been shocking for me to notice that this New Way has involved very little suffering, and I know that if I feel like I am suffering, it’s going to come back and bite me BIG time. So it’s important for me to never, ever sigh dramatically and say, “I guess I should eat THIS (salad?) instead of THAT.”

Because if I feel deprived in ANY WAY, shape or form, I’m going to overeat. Every single time. I have to find something that makes me HAPPY and satisfied, as well as being a good choice.  Salad is a good example. Sometimes I really crave and love and feel like eating salad. But often, if it’s a cold day or whatever, I want HOT FOOD.  Before, it would be a choice between two kinds of suffering: I’d have a cold salad and feel all deprived, OR I’d have .. I dunno, a huge plate of lasagne or fried chicken and THEN I’d suffer because I’d feel overstuffed, guilty and remorseful. And fat.

So the key is to really be MINDFUL and say, OK, I don’t want salad. (“Then don’t eat salad!”) I want hot food. OK, what kind of hot food will satisfy and yet not make me feel remorseful? Often it is SOUP. I have come to looooooooove soup very much. Because there are so many delicious kinds of soup and EVEN soup that is a bit rich (some cream in it, or meat) a cup of soup can go a very long way. There is a wonderful French food takeout place near my work that has two kinds of amazing soup every day. Usually that will be all I want for lunch, and it probably has WAY fewer calories than a salad with blue cheese, nuts, dressing, avocadoes etc etc.

I have had to build up my repertoire of foods that I both love and feel good about eating. This has taken some time and practice but now I feel like I have wonderful choices.

I still always have half-and-half in my coffee, because I have tried many alternatives (black coffee, skim milk in coffee, nonfat half and half) and they ALL make me suffer. I want my half-and-half. But I have made other changes that allow that to be okay. (more exercise, soup for lunch, etc)

So that’s my short answer for How I Did It (and how I intend to keep Doing It): Be mindful and don’t suffer.

Over and out.

The Christmas Dog and some Christmas Brightandshinythings

Christmas Dog

by Shel Silverstein

Tonight's my first night as a watchdog,
And here it is Christmas Eve.
The children are sleeping all cozy upstairs,
While I'm guardin' the stockin's and tree.



What's that now---footsteps on the rooftop?
Could it be a cat or a mouse?
Who's this down the chimney?
A thief with a beard---
And a big sack for robbin' the house?



I'm barkin', I'm growlin', I'm bitin' his butt.
He howls and jumps back in his sleigh.
I scare his strange horses, they leap in the air.
I've frightened the whole bunch away.



Now the house is all peaceful and quiet again.
The stockin's are safe as can be.
Won't the kiddies be glad when they wake up tomorrow
And see how I've guarded the tree.



So here is the tree, according to me,
That I made our of baubles and beadies.
You'll find it right here, so stifle that fear.
You can buy it without those entreaties,

Weight-Loss Projects From the Jack Sh*t Lab

• A light beer that tastes great, yet is less filling
  

• Pasta- and cheese-free mac-and-cheese
  
  
• An antidote to granola addiction
  
  
• Health s'mores
  
  
• Elliptican’t machine
  
  
• Scale that's just a little more understanding
  
  
• Robotic workout buddy
  
  
• Running shoes that actually do the running for you
  
  
• Sugar-free sugar
  
  
• Flesh-eating bacteria that goes away after it's eaten about fifty pounds or so
  
  
• Air pudding
  
  
• Personal trainer with a sense of humor
  
  
• Candy corn-on-the-cob
  
  
• Zumba in pill form
  
  
• Kettlebelt
  
  
• App that turns your iPhone into a scale when you stand on it
  
  
• Driver’s seat doohickey that gives you a painful wedgie when you try to order drive-thru at a fast food restaurant
  
  
• Cheese wine
  
  
• Blog widget that tells you when your latest post really sucks

To Do List for the First Night of Hanukkah

For many Jewish families, the first night of Hanukkah is the most important one. It opens the entire eight-day celebration. You can celebrate the first night of Hanukkah by preparing Jewish traditional foods, lighting the Hanukkah menorah, saying special prayers, and exchanging gifts. Jewish games like the dreidel and the Hanukkah gelt hunt are also played during the holiday.



1.  Clean house.  Get in the Hanukkah spirit by decorating with Hanukkah decorations.



2.  Clean the menorah, which is undoubtedly covered with old melted wax.  If you're using a brand new menorah, check and make sure you have the right size candles for it.  (Do that with an old menorah, too.)



3.  Fill the menorah with candles.  Put in eight candles for the eight nights of Hanukkah and one shamash (helper) candle.  The menorah goes in a window to illuminate the miracle of the oil that burned for eight days.  Or is can be placed in a doorway opposite the mezuzah, which holds the prayers for entering a Jewish home.

Read more here. 

4.  Gather the family around the menorah at sundown.  Using the shamash, light the first Hanukkah candle, and say the Hanukkah blessings.  When lighting candles, the first candle is on the far right ~ the same order as Hebrew writing.



5.  Prepare a festive meal, with traditional Hanukkah fare, such as latkes, sufganiyot, and blintzes.  Latkes recipe below.



6.  Tell the story of Hanukkah ~ of the Maccabees and the miracle of the oil light that lasted for eight days.



7.  Play the dreidel game and sing Hanukkah songs.



8.  Give the children some Hanukkah gelt.



9. Give gifts to poor children, or donate to a favorite charity.


More information here.

Here's that latkes recipe I promised you.




Yukon Gold Potato Latkes
1½ pounds onions, peeled and quartered
3 lbs. Yukon Gold potatoes, peeled and quartered
2 large eggs, beaten
¼ c. flour
3 Tbs. chopped fresh parsley
2¼ tsp. salt
2 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp. ground black pepper
Vegetable oil (for frying)

Place onions in food processor.  Using On/Off switch, chop.  Transfer onions to large bowl.  Using the grating blade, grate the potatoes coarsely.  Mix the potatoes with the onions to prevent discoloration.  Fill the bowl with water and rinse out some of the starch.  You may want to do this a few times.
Drain the onions and potatoes in the colander.  Then wrap in a cloth towel and squeeze out the excess moisture.

Return the potato mixture to the large bowl, and mix together with the eggs, flour, parsley, salt, pepper, and baking powder.  Stir until mixture is well-blended and sticks together slightly.

Put enough oil in a heavy skillet to cover the bottom generously.  Heat over medium high heat.

 Working in batches, drop potato mixture into the oil.  Use a spatula to flatten into latke shapes.  Fry until crisp and brown.  Flip and do the same on the other side.  Re-heat the oil between batches, adding more oil as necessary.

When they are cooked, place the latkes on a baking sheet in a 250° oven.

Latkes can be made 4 hours ahead and reheated in a 350° oven.

Serve with applesauce and sour cream or crème fraiche.





My ornaments can be purchased here and here.

Some fun Hanukkah craft projects can be found at the Creative Jewish Mom right here.